15,000 Minutes

I can still make the 15,000 minutes for the year and I won't have to exercise for an hour a day!!!

So I took a break, that's an understatement, but over the past couple weeks I've been walking here and there. I woke up on Saturday morning doing hard math to see if I can get to 15,000 minutes for the year. I thought I only had 5,000. I figured I would have to do about an hour a day for the rest of the year to make it up, but that's doable.

Today, I went walking for an hour. When I got on the computer this morning, I proudly punched in 60 minutes for today and 180 minutes for the 4 walks (I did more) that I did in the last month.

Turns out that I have 5650 minutes so far this year. So, that means that I can do about an hour 6 days a week for the rest of the year. That is even more doable.

I love to walk. I really do. I love how my body feels when I walk. I love to be able to have that time to myself to muse about life. I love waking up with the sounds of life waking up. I love knowing that I did something good for me for the day. I love not only how my body feels when I walk (lean, slim, fit), I also love feeling my body. I love being aware of my body when I walk.

The other thing I love to do. I love eating fruit in the morning. Sometimes I feel like I need something heavier. Sometimes I want a little bacon or some meat. Most times though, I like eating fruit. I feel clean and healthy when I eat fruit. And, once again, I like the feeling of doing something good for me. My body practically explodes with joy when I walk in the morning and eat fruit. It is so happy, it oozes out into my day. That is, perhaps, the best side effect.

4 Weeks In A Row

BBB W6: 420/300

I actually came to work 4 full weeks in row. No wellness days. No vacation days. No holidays.

Amazing really!!!

I was marveling at this when a co-worker saw me talking to myself and asked what was up. I told her and she said, "Well, you're losing weight and you're healthier now."

You know what, she's right!!!

I feel healthy. I look smaller. I am losing weight. I feel more energized, less lethargic. I've eat intermittently, so I don't get unreasonably angry from low blood sugar. My immune system is pumped up. My hair, nails, and skin are more radiant and healthy. I can walk faster and farther. I feel alive, invigorated.

I feel healthy.

World Awakening

BBB W6: 360/300

I just love seeing the woman on the ticker run forward. She's at 40% today. Truly amazing and wonderful!!!

I love walking in the morning outside. Did I ever tell you guys that? It's crisp. The birds are beautiful. There's dew on the grass giving it a very earthy smell. Flowers are out and they smell wonderful. The squirrels are busy running on the wires. It's pretty industrious.

On the second half of my walk, I walk on a main street. The city wakes up. Stores start opening. One or two cars pass by. The buses start going. People are walking around a little. Cars are starting to trickle onto the college campus and into parking lots. People are getting their morning coffee. There must be at least 4 coffee shops on the 25-30 minute stretch that I walk.

It's amazing to witness the world waking up. I love it!!!

Slimming Down Shaping Up

BBB W6: 255/300

I'm slimming down. My face is getting slimmer. The arm flab is going away. My belly is lifting. The cellulite in my thighs is going away. My thighs and arms are getting firmer. My neck is emerging. My cheek bones are emerging. I can see the veins in my feet. My calves are getting thin. My wrist is getting smaller. My breasts are getting smaller. My back is getting smaller. My waist is getting smaller.

My body is shaping up.

Trusting My Body, Trusting Myself

BBB W6: 195/300

I did get 400 minutes last week!!! I went for a walk in the morning.

This week so far I'm at 195 and it feels great:-)

I haven't weighed in 2 weeks at WW. I've been weighing on my scale at home. It now reads 248lbs. My weight is going down rapidly and I'm loving it.

I got some guidance to eat more fruit, vegetables, and lean meat, less starches, sugar, and fat. I'm going to follow that guidance. I eat fruit and veggies (grape tomatoes) all morning long and I love it. I eat apples, grapes, strawberries, and the newly discovered blackberries. I also have a veggie snack in the afternoon so I don't end up feeling ravenous and wanting to eat everything in sight when I get home.

I haven't been paying close attention to (read worrying about) what I eat. I've just been eating what I want to in a given moment. I am following my body's guidance and trusting it.

Honestly, I feel a bit wobbly without the constant tracking, but every week the scale goes down. I feel absolutely wonderful that I am finally learning to trust myself. That trust has amazing consequences.

300 Minute Goal Met

BBB W5: 345/300

YIPPPPEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I did it. I've exceeded my goal for the week. It's been 4 weeks in the making. I may even make it to 400 minutes this week! That would be so cool.

I love meeting my goals.

I love my morning walks.

This morning I was walking along when I noticed that it was overcast. The rain held up until I reached a spot with an overhang. Then it started sprinkling. I stood and watched. I asked what I should do and my brain out of fear (which sounded like reason) said, "Head home."

I've been doing some inside work to do the thing that feels good. I couldn't figure out exactly what would feel good so I went for the thing that would bring relief. I said I was going to head home and in that moment the clouds opened up and a deluge came down.

I said to myself, "Guess I'll wait."

When it finished up, I walked to the corner I wanted to walk to today and headed back home. The clouds and rain were ahead of me. If I'd headed home, I'd have been soaked and there was no cover in that direction except for trees.

Moral of the story: Ask for what you want, not how you think it should happen. What I really wanted was to stay dry. That could happen in a myriad of ways. I always tell my business owners and clients this and I get frustrated when they tell us how to do something.

Adding interest to the story, I woke up promptly this morning which put me ahead of schedule which afforded me the extra moments of watching the rain.

Life is so beautiful:-)

Visit to the Gym

BBB W5: 285/300

I just might make 300 minutes this week. I am looking forward to doing so.

I am so grateful for my gym membership. This morning it was misting. I turned around to go back into the house for a hoodie and remembered that I have a wonderful membership at the YMCA. The gym is a block away from my house. I call it across the street because it feels as though I just have to cross the street to get there.

I walked around the track with the weights as I intended to around the neighborhood. I was reacquainted with my boot camp buddies. Those folks kick butt and they look so good. You could tell the new folks too. Even though they look trim, they're the ones that do hand over heads instead of jumping jacks after the first stair drill. They have the look of, "What the hell did I get myself into? I thought I was fit."

Love that class:-) It gives me something to shoot for. I will know that I've arrived when I'm able to make it through that class.

Over 1000 Minutes

BBB W5: 225/300

I'm over 1000 minutes!!!!!

I accidentally typed 10,000. That's going to be so cool when it happens!

I did a morning walk today and yesterday. I love walking around the neighborhood in the morning. The birds were in rare for this morning. I swear I heard them chirping, "We're a team," and, "I'm so pretty." Just lovely. I love my neighborhood. I'm very fortunate to live in a cottage house for below local apartment rates in an affluent neighborhood. It's fun, fun, fun!!! I love it!

Food of the Week: Blackberries

BBB W5: 165/300

When we go to the grocery, boyfriend always tries a new food. It used to annoy me at first. I like lists, and his surprise food of the week was never on the list.

Anyway, about a month ago, I started this experiment. It's fun. I found out about grape tomatoes (so yummy), Macaroni Grill entrees in a box (good for a quick healthy meal), and steamables.

This week I'm trying blackberries.

They're pretty good. I like to put it on my tongue and press it against the top of my mouth. It bursts and the juices goes pop all over my mouth. I like them because they're popable and don't require any preparation except washing. They taste like fruit juice to me, and just a touch on the bitter side. I don't know how to pick blackberries. So, I'm not sure if it's supposed to taste that way or if I got a bad batch.

On the health and nutrition side, I learned that they're a great source of fiber, anti-oxidants, and vitamin E.

It's a keeper, even though I prefer rasperries because they taste like jello:-)

Pre-Paving Meals

BBB W4: 240/300

Marla asked in the comments yesterday what I meant by pre-paving my meals. I will preface all of this by saying that I believe we are expressions of Well-Being/God/Source/Consciousness/Spirit. I believe that we are meant to express all the goodness of Well-Being including good health. I have been working on the gap between what I believe and what I am experiencing.

At the beginning of my day, I read a passage that I'll paste below that basically lets me know that whatever I eat today is completely within the realm of things that my body can process. I remind myself that my body is made up of trillions of cells that know exactly what to do to keep me where I want to be physically. The passage is from Abraham-Hicks Mexican Cruise in 2008.

I am also working on what I really believe is possible for me in terms of losing weight.

Grace Before Meals

"I am in an environment where I have many wonderful choices relative to food and I want to know that whatever I choose my body will be just fine about.

"I like understanding that I have a body of trillions of cells who are all experts at knowing their work in my body and I am so pleased that I don’t have to have a board meeting where I instruct each one of them what they need to do while I slumber or while I walk. In other words, I’m happy that my body knows what to do.

"And I am consciously aware that my intelligent body is maintaining and doing a good job of keeping me, in terms of physicality, where I want to be.

"I am in an environment where I will have a lot of choices and I am looking forward to feeling the ease of the choices that are before me, understanding that there are no really wrong choices for me to make. That I have this resilient body, a body that understands everything about the content of the food that I’m going to be eating, that understands everything about converting the food that I’m going to be eating into the energy that I call my physicality.

"And it is pleasing to me to know that this is not something that I need to have concern about. I’ve got a body that knows what to do when I let it do it. So I’m going to be aware and maybe different than I’ve been at other times that I’ve been eating. Each time that I feel myself tensing a little bit over a choice that I might be making, I’m going to just relax and say to myself “there are no wrong choices here. There are no bad choices here. Everything that is possible here is within the comfort zone of my body in knowing what to do.”

"I know that as I’ve been living life, I have created a picture of the way I want to be, most important of the way I want to feel, most important of the vitality I want to live, also important the way I look, the way I move, the way my body continues to be, the way I feel in my clothes. All of this I’ve been putting into Vibrational Escrow and I feel confident that I’ve painted a picture that is complete and as I want it to be and I feel confident that my cells of my body, who are vibrational transmitting and receiving mechanisms, are fully aware of that image and are utterly compliant with it.

"So if I can resist my normal temptation to “freak out” over food, and instead I can replace that with an attitude of relaxing and confidence in my body’s ability to manage and know what to do, then this will be the most delightful and delicious meal of my life experience.

"I like taking myself out of the management of the cells of my body, which I’ve never had any control over. I don’t understand metabolism. I don’t know what they do. I don’t understand the chemistry of my body. I’ve read all of those books and all of them are wrong. I don’t know about that, but my body knows and I trust my body.

"So these things I do know. I know that I have created a Vibrational Escrow and I know that I have a body that I can trust and I know that I’m going to be sitting before a delectable meal and all things are going to be offered to me, and I know that all is well, relative to me and food. "

"I’ve turned it over to the aspects of my body that know what to do!

"My body knows and I trust my body."

~Abraham-Hicks, Mexican Cruise, Jan 2008

No More Obsession

BBB W4: 195/300
BBB W3 WI: -1.0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -17.4lbs
Current Weight: 254.4lbs

I lost another pound!!!!

Weight loss 3 weeks in a row!!!!

Since the first 3 weeks of the year that's been unheard of. My body is cooperating. In fact, it's just doing what it does and I am no longer trying to whip it into shape. It is responding magnificently.

What did I change?

I stopped obsessing.

I stopped tracking every morsel.

I stopped tracking every sip of water.

I stopped tracking my fruit and vegetables.

What did I start doing?

I started to respect and trust my body.

I started to relax about my food.

I gave myself some space to be.

Specifically, I started pre-paving my food and working up the Abraham-Hicks emotional guidance scale as it relates to my body and weight loss.

I actually feel at peace now. Not resigned, but at peace!

Getting Back in the Groove

BBB W3: 210/300

It feels great to get back into the groove of things. It feels great to exercise and move my body. I love walking outside. When I walk outside, I feel like I own the neighborhood. I really enjoy that feeling. Best of all, I love it when I keep my commitments to myself.

I would really like to get a 90 minute walk in this evening. That'll just be twice around the lake. If I don't it won't be a biggie, but I would love to do it so that I can meet my 300 minute commitment for the week. It would be a big win for me.

BBB Week 3 Check In

BBB W3: 90/300, 1/25 ST, 2 stairs
BBB W2 WI: -2.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -16.4lbs
Current Weight: 255.4lbs

I lost 2.4lbs last week. Yippee!!!!

I'm glad to say that I did life this week an lost the weight. As I've been saying, I'm trying something very different with my food. It has nothing to do with counting anything. In fact, I'm not counting anything. However, I am eating healthy, wholesome, nourishing food that my body just loves to process. It converts the food and fat cells to fuel very, very, fast.

I still haven't been back to the gym though I did walk around the park twice on Saturday. I love walking around the park. I love going to the gym too, but there is a part of me that thinks of it like punishment. This week, I'll be working with that part of me. I just love moving my body. It is my absolute pleasure to do so.

Taking a Pass

BBB W2: 150/300, 1/25 ST, 2 stairs

I am taking a pass on this week and will begin again on Saturday. I just wanted to say that out loud (or in pixels).

At this point in every year, my resolve unravels. I feel rebellious. I get physically sick with the pollen which develops into a cold. I get tired of the weather flipping back and forth. All I want is comfort food and sleep.

This time, instead of fighting it and beating myself up for it and telling myself that I'm a wus and a failure, I'm just going to give myself a break.

For two and a half weeks, I went from itchy eyes and skin to sneezing to stuffiness. I am finally in recovery. I'm at about 80%. I feel well again. By Saturday, I will be back to 100%.

Curiously, I really do want to exercise and run and lift weights and do yoga. I really, really want to. But in the morning, my head is in a fog and I just want to create a humidifier under the covers. It's worse than winter.

But...on Saturday, it's back in the swing of things:-)

The Green Heebee GeeBees

BBB W2: 90/300, 1/25 ST, 2 stairs
BBB W1 WI: -1.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -14.0lbs
Current Weight: 257.8lbs

For 2 weeks I've been battling the green heebee geebees. I HATE spring. I grew up in a country with 2 season: wet season and dry season. I was introduced to spring in my mid-twenties. It is absolutely HORRIBLE.

I thought I escaped it this year, but 2 weeks ago my eyes were sealed shut from itching and watering. This week, the allergy effects have turned into a head cold. I only did 210 minutes this week. It was a huge struggle. I was at home 3 days. It's just too much.

In good news, I'm down 1.2 lbs. I didn't log my food at all last week and like I said above, only 210 minutes. Go figure! I did do something very different. I listened to my body and what I wanted to eat. At times I considered doing the draconian no whites again, but I generally ate well. I ate healthy, wholesome food. Lots of fruit and veggies. Rice and pasta in moderation. Lean meat. And a few not so sweet treats (custard, sugar-free cookies). Much less struggle, angst, and frustration, I was using that on the green stuff.

I've decided to scale back to 2 strength training workouts and I MUST stretch. My arms hurt for the entire week from that session on Monday.

My Arms My Arms

BBB W1: 120/300, 1/35 ST, ----, 2 stairs

My arms are in pain from yesterday's strength training. Ouch!

I have no one to blame but myself. I didn't stretch after the workout. I did cardio after strength which was interesting, but no stretching. What was I thinking?

In great news, I did 4 laps around the track this morning!!!

I wonder what it would be like when I can do a mile straight. That's going to be fun.

My food is good. I'm not tracking points. Trying something new. I'm not sure where I'm heading with this, but...

Challenge!

BBB W1: 60/300, 1/35 ST, --*, 0 stairs

The Burn Baby Burn challenge has begun.

I've been working with allergies for about 10 days not. Finally, this weekend I succumbed. I did my first workout for BBB today and it was great as expected. Because of the pollen, I'm breathing heavier than usual and there's a bit of wheezing. I'm going to start taking Advair again. I'm going to have to watch it.

This is usually the time of year when things get sketchy. First, I'm dealing with the pollen and I don't feel 100%. Second, I lose interest. I've added the strength training and I'm working on running the laps to take care of the boredom issue.

I'm going to find a tiny notebook and take it to my workouts to keep track of the weights I'm lifting and the circuit I'm running. This morning I did 15lbs on tricep and bicep curls, 30lbs on overhead press, fly, and row, and 50lbs on the chest press. If I remember correctly. Tomorrow, I'm going to attempt 4 laps around the track, or 1 lap out of every 10 laps.

I didn't weigh in this weekend. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. This year is about forming healthy habits. When I set up the challenges, I said I would like to:

• Lose at least 50lbs
  
• Wear 38DD or smaller bra
  
• Be able to shop at regular stores
  
• Run a 5K
  
• Hold the camel pose for 30 seconds

I'm down 13lbs and at 1lb/week I'll lose 50lbs for the year.

My bra is on the second hook and my boobs aren't overflowing from the cup. So my breasts are getting smaller.

I'm down to size 18/20 from 22-28.

I can run 3 times around the track and by the end of this challenge I'll be able to run 10 times around.

I don't know where I am on the camel pose, but I discovered the elongator during the last challenge.

Wow!!!! When I put it like that, I am making progress. I am getting healthier, fitter, and smaller.

Cool, anyway, as I was saying, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about weigh ins. I don't think I have to do much about it. I might just shift to weighing in at the gym on Friday morning without all the build up and fandango of the WW weigh in. I don't constantly check in on all the other "would likes", why do I feel like I have to constantly check in on the weight. It throws me off and I lose focus.

We'll see.

I Can Eat A Lot of Food

B2B W13: 230/250, *****, 2 stairs

Yesterday, I had a veggie filled day. I started it with an apple and a cup of grapes. I had a portabello sandwich for lunch. At dinner, I had a spanaktopita (spinach filled pastry), a salad, and veggie lasagna.

Looking back on my food this morning, I realized that I can eat so much food. One of the things that tend to occupy my mind when I'm "on a diet" is all the stuff I CAN'T have, and all the quatities I CAN'T have, and all the flavors I CAN'T enjoy. Only this morning did it dawn on me all the food I CAN have, all the quantities I CAN have, and all the flavors I am being introduced to.

This is what I mean by a core shift in the way I view food - changes in my lexicon on what I think is satisfying, shifting my focus from all the ways I'm depriving myself to all the new, healthy ways in which I'm indulging myself.

I feel as if a boulder was removed from my stream of consciousness.

I actually CAN enjoy food. What a concept!

She's Running Off The Ticker!

B2B W13: 170/250, ***, 0 stairs

WOOHOOO! I DID IT!!!

I exercised 3300 minutes in the past 13 weeks! (3320 so far) That's 165 miles at 3mph.

I had tons of fun too. I pushed my body. My hair was soaking everyday. I love the Y. I'm well on my way to my goal for the year of 15K minutes. I'm going to be able to run a 5 at the end of the year too. Right now I can do 3 laps around the track. In 13 more weeks, I'll be able to do 10.

I am soooooooooooooo proud of myself:-D

Confession Time

B2B W13: 130/250, **, 0 stairs

Twenty more minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy smokes!!!!!!!!!!

I'm doing it!!!!!

At least there were fewer exclamation points. Wow! Best part is that I made it through March. I can't wait to start strength training.

I'm ready for some honesty. I said I didn't know why the scale wasn't showing me the rewards of my work. However, I failed to mention that for the past 2 weeks I had pizza the night before. Half of one of those make at home pizzas each time. I feel like I lied to you and myself. I'm sorry. I won't wallow in the guilt though. I'm just going to be honest with myself.

I do need to find a way to decompress in the evenings and especially on Friday evenings. I feel like the end of the week. I've had all my veggies. I ate clean. I can have whatever I want. The issue is that I use food to decompress when there's a multitude of other ways. I think I'm going to go for a manicure or pedicure or something like that. I just need to decompress. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything that requires thought or energy. I just want to chill. Not veg, just chill.

Any suggestions?

Point 2 A-Gain

B2B W13: 90/250, , 0 stairs
B2B W12 WI: +.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -12.8lbs
Current Weight: 259.0lbs

Sad thing is, I'm not even annoyed. I'm resigned. I don't know why I'm skirting the 5% goal line. Honestly, I think it's in my mind.

I'm sure someone out there would say that I'm eating something wrong. However, let me assure you that I'm tracking every morsel. This week I had 21 AP's and 11 flex points left. I eat 6-8 servings of fruit and vegetables a day. I'm exercising. I just don't know what this is about.

Please don't say the old "maybe it's muscle." I'm not buying it.

I really believe I have an internal resistance to reaching weight loss goals. I thought I could sneak by it by reaching fitness goals, but it's having a face off with me. It's not relenting.

WHAT IS IT?!!!!!

In the first 6 weeks I lost 12.4lbs. In the second 6 weeks I lost .4lbs. Anyone see anything wierd here? At least I'm losing.

Well, this is good. I'm now frustrated. AHHHHH!

In better news, I'm only 60 minutes away from reaching the Back to Basics Challenge exercise minutes goal. It's been one hell of a ride!

Burn Baby Burn

B2B W12: 250/250, -*****, 10 stairs

Today I ran around the track FOUR times!!! I did one whole and two 1 1/2 laps. I tried to do 2 in a row, but I'm not ready...YET :-D

I feel like Christmas. I've been itching to reveal, no unveil, no present, oooh, so excited....I've been itching to unveil - yes, that sounds right - the next challenge.

The next challenge is called Burn Baby Burn. The purpose of the challenge is to kick my metabolism into high gear. I want my body to be an efficient fat burning machine. To that end, I'm kicking up my cardio intensity and adding strength training to the routine.

The Challenge will run from April 6th to July 5th. It's going to get me through Memorial and Independence day holidays. I'm looking forward to that. Memorial day I'm usually in Miami with family. This year DBF and I are contemplating a cruise. It's going to be fun:-)

Burn Baby Burn Challenge

• Exercise 3900 minutes (includes strength training)
  
• Complete 35 30-minute strength training workouts
  
• Increase running to 10 track laps
  
• Eat on plan every day

Eating on plan means I:

• Eat within my points
  
• Drink at least 48 oz of water
  
• Eat at least 6 servings of fruit and vegetables

I'm going to take the stairs as much as possible. I'll be accruing them during this challenge for use in the next challenge.

Everyone is free to join. Let me know in the comments if you're game so we can keep in touch and cheer each other on.

The next challenge you ask?

Yes, I'm already thinking about the 3rd quarter challenge. That challenge is going to be dedicated to eating optimally, if I don't accidentally do it during this one:-) I'm thinking that I'm going to use the stairs accrued during Burn Baby Burn for a Stairs to Starch program in Heading to the Beach (South Beach, that is).

Why don't I do that now you ask?

Well, I want to win. I already have enough changes going on in this challenge. I'm upping my exercise goal from 3300 minutes to 3900 minutes. I'm introducing strength training. And I'm starting the running program early. I think that's enough.

Food is going to require concentrated effort to move from healthy choices to optimal eating. Right now, I'm comfortable with my food. I am upping the fruit and veggie intake from 5 to 6, but I do that now anyway. I am still changing my food lexicon and the way I view food. I'm still consciously choosing healthy, wholesome foods. I would like, during this challenge, for that choice to be unconscious. In other words, I want the healthy choices habit installed completely before I start letting go of the training wheels.

The Heading to the Beach challenge will be a precursor to taking off the tracking training wheels. I've said all along that I want to develop a healthy lifestyle. This year is about transitioning to that. It's all about making healthy choices and being active. The weight will melt of as a result of making healthy choices and being active. I'm thinking beyond that point. I have no intention of tracking every morsel I eat or obsessing over what food I'm eating for the rest of my life.

Being healthy will become like driving a car for me. Sure I pay attention to signals and sounds when I'm driving, but I can also talk on the phone, listen to the radio, or speak to a passenger (sometimes all at the same time) while driving because driving itself is an installed habit.

Setting Goals As A Kreativ Blogger

B2B W12: 190/250, -****, 7 stairs

When Ashley said she had something for me I had no idea it would be blog award. I am so honored. Thank you Ashley:-)

210 Minutes to go!!!!! Absolutely amazing. I have to do 60 minutes tomorrow to meet this week's 250 goal. I'll be at least 100 minutes over my challenge goal at the end of it. So cool, so cool!

For any of you out there who feel like this is an uphill battle, set a small easily accomplishable goal for yourself for 30 days. Make it completely within your control (by default it can't be weight related). Make it something like eating a certain number of servings of fruit and veggies everyday or walking 15 minutes. Keep it very simple and manageable. Do it everyday. By the end of the 30 days, you will feel empowered and successful. Then set a slightly bigger goal, still completely within your control. Then another, and another. You need to get your mind to believe that you can do this - you can be healthy, you can make good choices for your body.

You will feel better and you will BE healthier.

Okay, for the Kreativ Blogger Award, I get to tell you 7 things I love:

1. Family and friends
2. Starbuck's purple chairs
3. The Y
4. Being healthy
5. Living within a 2 mile radius of my life
6. Metaphysics
7. Making money

The blogs I love are in the side bar. They're arranged by latest posting.

I Love Exercise

B2B W12: 130/250, -***, 4 stairs

Look at how close that 3030 is to that 3300! I'm over 20% to my goal for the year. I am stoked and so excited! I can do it!!!! You can do it too:-)

Can I just tell you that I love it when my day starts with exercise. It means that I not only exercise, I'm already 2-3 cups of water in. I take my vitamins. I enjoy my fruit for breakfast. I just love clicking off all those icons in WW. I already have my activity points logged for the day. Not to mention, I feel energized and joyful and expectant and ready to have fun and bask in the day. It's all money after the exercise.

I LOVE IT!!!

Mood, Uh, Scale Swing

B2B W12: 70/250, -**, 0 stairs
B2B W11 WI: +.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -13.0lbs
Current Weight: 258.8lbs

I'm in week 12, the second to last week of the challenge. I only have 10% to go to my exercise goal. Woohaa!!! I feel so accomplished and good about it.

I had a .2 gain last week. I ate every exercise and flex point - rather interesting actually. For the past 3 days, instead of focusing on the excitement and joy of getting to week 12 of the challenge and completing 90% of my goal, I fell into the soup of gain despair and annoyance. OVER POINT TWO POUNDS!!!!

Why do we do that? I said the words, "I'm not bringing in my tracker because body weight fluctuates for all sorts of reasons." Meanwhile my psyche went through the trained I don't give a F#@K response. What's that all about?

I know I'm doing well. My food is cleaner. I'm moving my body and loving it. I feel leaner and healthier. What is the deal with my mood swings that go with the number on the scale? Why go through the process?

Fun Fun Fun Run Run Run

B2B W11: 295/250, ******, 15 stairs

Life is wonderful. Ran 3 laps on the track. Thinking about how I'm going to progress to 10. I was hoping that I could do 2 in a row. Maybe I'll try that next week sometime. I'm just having so much fun with it. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

Check out the stars!!!

Less Than 500 Minutes To Go

B2B W11: 235/250, *****, 12 stairs

And more than 2 weeks to do it in!!! That means that I'll definitely surpass my goal.

My food is very good. I started eating just fruit in the morning and that's worked out really well. During the day at work, my food choices are very healthy and wholesome. I bring my breakfast (fruit) and snacks (fruit, veggies, cheese). I go out to lunch everyday. I eat well there. Then I go home in the evening. I want to start eating cleaner in the evening.

By the time I'm done with work, I've surpassed my veggie goal for the day. In the evening, I don't go on a spree, but I don't eat the healthiest, wholesomist (should be a word) food either. At the end of the work day I feel mentally exhausted. I often just want to take a nap or at the very least sit in a chair and sip a cup of tea. Duh!!! Why don't I just do that? I just want to have 30 minutes of silence.

DBF, who's an extrovert, works at home all day. He picks me up. From the moment he picks me up, bless his heart, he starts talking. Just at the moment I don't want to talk. TO ANYBODY.

The reason this is important is that while I don't eat when I'm not hungry. The mood I'm in when I'm hungry sometimes dictates the food that I choose to eat. I am working myself out of that habit. However, on the other end, I really would like some Calgon time when I get home. It will help me to make more nourishing food choices. I LOVE making nourishing food choices.

I am finding that as I choose healthy, wholesome food, my points automatically come into alignment. This is what I want. At some point, I'm going to take off the points training wheels and just eat the foods I choose to eat. I want to choose those nourishing foods. The other reason I want to develop the healthy eating habit is that I don't want to obsess about what I'm putting into my mouth for the rest of my life. I'm re-wiring my subconscious. I want nourishing eating, healthy habits, and activity to be infused into who I am.

The Next Challenge

B2B W11: 185/250, ****, 9 stairs

My veggie of the week is cherry tomatoes, actually I think they're grape tomatoes. They're great. I'm having them for my mid-afternoon snack instead of baby carrots. Very tasty:-)

In other news, I ran around the track 3 times again today. YAY!

I'm thinking about the next challenge. The minute challenge is 3900 over 13 weeks or 5 1-hour workouts per week. Originally, I was going to do Body for Life, but the program doesn't thrill me. It's just too complicated. I think the challenge is going to be to be able to run around the track 10 times in a workout and do 35 30-minute strength training workouts. The 3900 minute goal will stand, but it's a given. Also a given, is staying on plan with my food which has been excellent lately.

The objective of this challenge was to inculcate the habits of eating healthy and moving. I'm very pleased with the results. I still convince myself to get out of bed and to the gym some mornings, but I motivate myself with the feeling that I know I would have when I'm done, energized and invigorated. I'm choosing tasty, healthy food. Better than that, I am actually beginning to see healthy foods as filling. That's huge because I feel satisfied.

The purpose of the next challenge is to turn my body into an energetic, smoldering, efficient fat burning machine. By the end of the challenge, I want to feel highly energized and vital. I want to be able to keep up with my niece and nephew (right now just looking at them exhausts me). I'll be adding strength training to the routine, and I'm going to up my intensity on my cardio.

Best of all, I'm going to have some serious FUN!!!

The Elongator

B2B W11: 125/250, ***, 6 stairs

Today, I discovered the ELONGATOR. This is a phenomenal machine. I was contemplating beginning yoga during this quarter's challenge because my body was screaming for some stretching. I was going kind of batty trying to figure out where to put it. Would I stop going to WW meetings and just do the online program so I could do hot yoga on Saturday morning? Could I take a class in the evening?

Well, when I went to my meeting on Saturday, I realized that I need the support of the meeting for now. I want to get those stars and hurrahs. I want to see what other people look like when they get their 10%. I like the ideas that I get from the meetings. One week someone said that they text themselves bravos and inspirational messages and when they feel like eating a house they look at the text. It's really good for me.

I considered going to the meeting, then going to hot yoga, but the timing was off. I also enjoy going to the gym on Saturday mornings with DBF.

And hell, saying that I'm going to do anything resembling exercise in the evening at this point is setting myself up for failure.

So today, I decided to tryout the contraption that I first saw in the ladies' locker room. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO good. It was just what I wanted and needed. Five to ten minutes of stretching that feels like I elongated my spine and my muscles. Now, I feel tall and lean (even if I am only 5'4" and weigh 258lbs :-).

Oh, and I did 65 minutes on the elliptical, incline 6 intensity 5. Here's looking at you Tony!

A Pivotal Week

B2B W11: 60/250, *, 3 stairs
B2B W10 WI: -3.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -13.2lbs
Current Weight: 258.6lbs

I had a mental shift this week. I've been talking all along about choosing to be healthy, choosing to move, choosing to eat wholesome food. This week I shifted into choosing. I shifted from hemming and hawing over how much I HAVE to do this and how much I SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be eating something into doing it because I want to feel healthy. I shifted into really feeling healthy this week. I shifted into being inspired by feeling energized and invigorated. I had the mental battles over what to eat, but once I reminded myself that I'm making the choice to be healthy, the enemy (whatever it was in my head) surrendered. I felt at peace with my choices. I felt that I was moving in stride with what I said I wanted.

It happened through a series of conversations I had with friends. On Monday I was reminded that my life is not an obligation. I do have the power to create it. The activities that I engage in are activities in which I choose to engage. Exercising and eating healthy are things I chose to do at the beginning of the year. I made a commitment to change the way I see food and movement for life, not just a spurt while I'm loosing weight. No one is punishing me. The moment I let go of the battering ram, all of my choices became MUCH easier.

I also watched a Law of Attraction video that let me know that I was struggling against the natural flow of Life. My natural state is health. My being wants to be healthy, that's why it's such a strong desire. All this time I'm MAKING myself do stuff, I'm going against the natural current. I simply reframed my thinking from "have to" to "get to". I get to go to the gym. I started being appreciative of the ability to work on the treadmill. Rather than think about how sleepy I am in the morning, I thought about how exhilarated and invigorated I feel when I exercise. Instead of swallowing my veggies and suffering them until I could have the good stuff, I started to imagine clean, vital blood flowing through my muscles and organs. Healthy blood carrying the nutrients and fuel that I need to live and thrive.

Best of all, I shifted from being my best critic, to being my best coach.

Victories!!!

B2B W10: 375/250, ******, 15 stairs

I RAN AROUND THE TRACK TODAY!!!

TWICE!!!

My pace for 45 minutes was 3.2 mph! For comparison, I usually do 2.9 mph.

I passed the Navy couple!

I didn't want to go to the gym and almost didn't. I even let myself out of it. Then, I thought about how energized and invigorated I feel when I go and I got dressed and got out of the house...IN THE RAIN!!!

I walked down the block and across the street. I ran up the stairs. I did a spectacular workout. I feel energized and invigorated.

Setting a small, easily achievable goal and meeting it is the best thing you can do for yourself on your weight loss journey. I have proven it true for myself. In the first weeks of this challenge I was so excited just to meet my goal. I proved to myself that I can indeed do it. I stopped beating myself up for failing because I was succeeding.

Today, I'm moving from not beating myself up to actually championing myself. I want to be my best coach. I am often my best critic. I tend to see my job as identifying my flaws and punishing myself for them before anyone else has the chance. I do this so I don't get blindsided. That is shifting in me. The best part is that every aspect of my life is benifitting from this new attitude.

Be your own best coach.

In other news, I'm rethinking what I'm going to do for the next challenge. Stay tuned.

Less Than 750 Minutes To Go

B2B W10: 330/250, *****, 12 stairs

I am soooooooooo excited. I feel so psyched just for meeting this goal. I didn't really think I was capable of meeting goals anymore. Shocking and sad to say, but I actually felt that way. Now I'm almost 80% to my first goal of the year.

Wow!

Food is still healthy and wholesome. I'm liking the 2 fruit in the morning. By the time I leave work, I've had 6 servings of fruit and veggies. I have 2 in the morning, 2 for lunch, and 2 for a mid-afternoon snacks. You would think I would have the mentality of oh, it's done. I won't lie. I partially do, but mostly, I want more healthy food!!!!

Exercise is great. I am pushing my intensity on the elliptical. I think of the Anti-Jared and Brandi and Lyn and KK and Diana and Jared and Pasta Queen and all the other wonderful, supportive bloggers. I imagine that the row of ellipticals and bikes and treadmills are filled with us. I think that I could be peddling alongside any one of you and I want to give my all. I also set mini-targets and I get psyched to hit them. Today I ellipticalled at 4 mph on 10/4/4/4 intervals. I burned 555 calories. Next week I want to try intervals at resistance 5. The machine automatically programs the level 10 at resistance 8. One day I will be able to do that.

This Monday I had lunch with a friend of mine and I realized that I view my life as one obligation after another. No matter how beneficial, or enjoyable the activity is at the moment, I tend to view it as an obligation. That goes for my job, my food choices, exercise, church, cooking, and so on. Everything, all of a sudden, has become a chore, rather than a joy. When I had the realization, I decided to change my perspective. And in that moment, just like that I switched. My life is filled with joy. JOY-FILLED!!!

Healthy Me

B2B W10: 280/250, ****, 9 stairs

Wow!!! I have about 25% to go. I remember in the beginning it seemed as though she was running along so slowly. Now the time is just zipping by. It's adding up really fast.

I am doing well with my food. I'm trying something different this week. For breakfast, instead of a breakfast bar, I'm having fruit. My body is just craving more nutrients. The more I exercise, the better I want to eat. The better I eat (meaning more whole, healthy food), the more whole, healthy food I want to eat. It's an upward spiral.

This morning I walked around the track and they were doing a sports conditioning class in the gym below. My goodness! I was so impressed. I now aspire to finish that class in its entirety by the time I get to onederland. They did everything. They ran, did stairs, weight bands, tricep dips, jump rope, abs, lunges, jump squats. It was truly inspiring. I found myself walking around the track faster.

Also, this morning, as I was inspired by that class, I got the inclination to walk with weights. I picked up 2 2.5lb dumbells thinking I could walk with them. HA!!! I ended up standing there doing bicep curls and stopped after 10. I soooooo need to add strength training. Can't weight to start the next challenge in 3 weeks.

I felt so healthy walking the track: healthy skin, healthy blood, healthy heart, healthy bones, healthy organs, healthy muscles:-)

Quick Check In

B2B W10: 230/250, ***, 6 stairs

I'm in training today, but this is just a quick check in. I tried the Macaroni Grill garlic herb chicken penne from the box with turkey sausage yesterday. It was delish:-)

Another Reason to Lose Weight

This came out today at my job.

Effective 7/1/2011, all members who have a BMI (body mass index) of 40% or higher, will be moved to the 70/30 plan and will have to cover dependants as listed for the smokers above. Then in 2012, they will lower the BMI to 30 or 35% restrictions.

Ironically, I was looking at DBF disqualifyers last night and said to myself I need to get below 231 so I'll be eligible for health insurance if I ever get laid off or I become self employed. Seems like I need to do it even if I stay at my current employer. A BMI of 40 means about 231 lbs for me. This is now one of my mini goal. Next will be 205 (BMI 35), then 175 (BMI 30). At 175, I'll be merely overweight, rather than obese. My goal after 150, then 135.

Mini Goals

265.0 - 5% to GOAL!
Met 02/07/09

257.8 - 5% lost
251.2 - 15% to GOAL!
244.6 - 1st 10%
231.0 - eligible for self employment HI
224.0 - 35% to GOAL!
217.4 - Second 10%
210.2 - 40% to GOAL!
205.0 - 35 BMI
196.4 - 55% to GOAL!
182.0 - 65% to GOAL!
175.0 - 30 BMI, just over weight
162.4 - 80% to GOAL!
155.4 - 85% to GOAL!
145.0 - 24.9 BMI, healthy weight
135.0 - GOAL!!!

McDonald's Is No Longer An Option

B2B W10: 180/250, **, 3 stairs

Went for a walk around the lake yesterday and did the bike this morning at the gym.

I was reading one of my favorite bloggers and I realized that I hadn't had McDonald's in about 9 months. I used to frequent them for the quick nugget meal and the Oreo concoction. When I did consulting work in the next city over, I would pick up a McGriddle on my 3-hour commute on Monday morning as a "treat". These days though, Mickey D's doesn't even cross my mind, despite having 2 within a 1 of each other and 1/2 a mile in either direction from my house.

I feel the sense of not speaking too soon, lest I get a ravenous craving for the oreo concoction. However, for the past 9 months it hasn't even been a thought. Before that for 9 months, it wasn't a thought either.

As I read this morning, it occured to me that if I could do that with MD, I could do it with anything.

Why do I feel so threatened when I realize that I can't have a particular food for a long time?

I get this panicky, what's going to happen to me, how can I live without it feel it. This is not a normal response. After all, it's just food isn't it?

Well, it's a process. Last night I contemplated going out to dinner after taking down ground beef to defrost. No particular reason to go out rather than cook. I wasn't tired. We didn't need to spend the money. There was nothing to celebrate. After DBF suggested that I cook, I found myself getting a bit biligerant. Why can't I...? It's like a little brat in my head.

I cooked anyway and it was great. I knew exactly how much and what I was eating. I made a nutritious, delicious, wholesome meal for both of us. I felt relaxed and oddly accomplished when I was done. It was a fulfilling experience. So what's that other stuff about?

I recognize that I am changing and I am willing to change. Radically, if necessary. I am willing to do what it takes to live a healthy, energized life. That isn't a short term 6, 12, or even 18 month journey then back to "normal". It's about creating a new normal where MD is no longer an option.

Less Than 1000 Left

B2B W10: 90/250, , 0 stairs
B2B W8 WI: +1.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -10.0lbs
Current Weight: 261.8lbs

I walked the park twice today for 4 miles and some change in 90 minutes. I gained 1.8 this week again, and again the receptionist tried to reason about why. I should have put her out of her misery and told her that I had dinner after 10 last night. I went to a workshop that ended around 9. Didn't get to a restaurant until after 10. Could have not eaten, but...

At any rate, I am satisfied with myself. I am eating healthy and exercising. I want to be more consistent especially with my eating. I would like to get to healthy, wholesome choice as a matter of course rather than a conscious choice. However, in the process of building the new habit, I'm in the conscious competent state. I can accept that. I'm doing well. This is the rest of my life, not one week on the scale:-)

Have an amazing weekend. It's beautiful, clear, sunny, and best of all HOT, this weekend!!!!

The Anti-Jared Strikes Again

B2B W9: 265/250, ******, 8 stairs

Tony is amazing. If you are serious about losing weight, read his blog. He has no excuses.

This morning the alarm went off at 5:15am and I hit snooze until 5:35. I wrestled with whether or not to go to the gym and decided against. I wanted to cuddle and be held and sleep some more. And I go to the gym every day. And I've met my goal for the week. And I'm tired. And I deserve a break.

Then I read the Anti-Jared. He had a similar experience at 5:43 this morning. Go ahead, go over and read it. I'll be here when you get back.

His post made me realize again that this is not something I'm doing for the short term to lose weight. Exercising in the morning is a habit I am building for my life. It's like getting up and taking a shower, or going to work. If I treated my job the way I treat my health, I would be fired by now.

Imagine...Wakati, your job responsibilities are to eat healthy, wholesome food and exercise every day. First 6 weeks on the job, everything is wonderful. Week 7, I get some negative, constructive feedback and I say oh, to hell with this, I'm just going to do what I want now. Monday, I eat healthy but don't exercise. Tuesday is a good day, I exercise AND eat healthy. Wednesday, I exercise half-heartedly and I almost eat healthy. Thursday, I have a stellar day. Friday the same. Saturday, by some fluke, I get amazing feedback for something I did during my 6-week perfect stint.

Week 8 I decide to "get back on track". I struggle and get more negative, but constructive feedback. Should have seen it coming based on my performance last week. Week 9. This job is a chore, don't I deserve a raise yet.

Imagine if I treated my job like that. Why do I treat my health that way?

I'll be at the gym this evening. DBF should be ecstatic. He loves the sauna. I think I'll spend some time in there myself. It'll be my treat at the end of an invigorating workout. That'll be my decompression this Friday.

Progress Not Perfection

B2B W9: 265/250, *****, 8 stairs

Yesterday, I sought food for comfort. I did not eat beyond full. I stayed within points. I made healthy, wholesome choices. I had the comfort food while talking to friends about the situation. However, in the essence of full disclosure, I wanted to say that I did, in a way, turn to food. I am getting better. As they say in OA, "Progress not perfection." However, I did seek comfort in it.

On a happy note, I'm over my goal for the week, but I need to make up some minutes this week so I'll meet the goal for the challenge. I'm so excited about finishing up the first challenge for the year. I learned a lot this quarter about myself and my relationship with food. I love exercise. After drinking water it is the easiest part of a healthy lifestyle for me. I just love how my body feels when I exercise. I feel lean, sensuous, and invigorated. I feel energized. It's an easy win.

BTW, look at that chick go!

Sweatin' to the Trini

B2B W9: 220/250, ****, 5 stairs

Great workout this morning. I burned over 600 calories (603, to be exact) and I worked the elliptical at 4 mph for the first time. I did it at 4 and 10 incline intervals at level 4 resistance. I am so stoked. When I started at the beginning of the year I would do 45 minutes at a flat 2 incline level 1 resistance SLOOOOOOOOWLY. It would kick my butt. Today, I was going to the beat. I loved it!

My food is very good so far this week - very healthy and wholesome. I am finding sustainable with my food and I'm enjoying it. I'm still working on reframing how I see healthy food and I'm changing what I choose to eat. On Saturday at dinner, for example, I chose salad (which was scrumptious), instead of soup. I imagine when I'm eating veggies that they're cleaning up my blood and helping me to be lean and strong.

The Last Teen Days

B2B W9: 165/250, ***, 3 stairs

Thank God for Walk Away the Pounds. The gym is probably opening late this morning. I ventured out to find the lights out. Walked back home and did the 3 mile WATP DVD. It was a good change of pace.

I checked out my arms this morning and I noticed that the flab is going away. My clothes fit comfortably now, some are big. When I started WW they were snug. You know you get to the point where you refuse to buy a bigger size. That's where I was. Although, in some cases, since I was already at 26/28 Lane Bryant, I was petrified that there was nowhere left to go. Alas, I've retreated from that point and joyously heading in the other direction.

So Proud of Me

B2B W9: 115/250, **, 3 stairs

I ate a restaurant serving of cavatappi pasta and alfredo sauce over 3 servings. That has NEVER happened.

I ate 3 cups of raw spinach last night that was absolutely delicious.

I ventured out - and I plan to in the future - and purchased asparagus for roasting this week.

I sludged through the snow to do 55 minutes on the elliptical at the gym this morning, even though I took a snow day.

I am changing the way I look at food and being healthy and active and I LOVE it!!!

My Body Is A Mystery

B2B W9: 60/250, , 1 stairs
B2B W8 WI: -1.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -11.8lbs

No, not a wonderland. A mystery. (Oh, well, maybe a wonderland too.)

I'm down 1.2 lbs after last week.

I feel leaner and healthier. Yesterday I did make healthy choices at lunch and dinner, not so much for breakfast.

I'm not sure how I managed to pull off a 1.2 lb loss given the lack of exercise and eating every possible point. The WW folks used the old, "eat more", reasoning. I'm not convinced. I think my body might need some down time to catch up on all the stuff I do to it, and I need to keep it guessing. I wish it could talk back to me and tell me why it lost weight this week and gained 1.8 last week.

Alas, it can't, but I am grateful:-)

Not Paying Attention

B2B W8: 105/250, ******, 5 stairs

Well, I think I've left the building. This morning I forgot to pack my stash for the day (fruit, carrots, breakfast bar, cheese sticks). It just didn't even occur to me. Sigh!

That's all I have to report. I hate it when things get like this. I especially hate that I'm 100% responsible. I feel like I'm going to have to work myself back up in momentum. How could I do well for 7 straight weeks then falter like this. They say a habit is formed in 21-30 days. I'm after day 49 and my pack-snacks-for-work habit has failed.

It's going to be interesting today:-(

Weight Loss Sighting

B2B W8: 105/250, *****, 4 stairs

In the spirit of honesty and full disclosure, I'm going to say now that I've had all my flex points for the week and I'm down to 8.5 activity points plus my daily allowance. I did not go to the gym yesterday or this morning. I'm giving myself a guilt-free pass on the gym tomorrow morning.

Technically, I'm on plan, but I know what I have to do to lose weight. Not eating activity (usually 20-24) and having at least 10 flex points at the end of the week tops the list. Getting exercise time in is second. I talked about the veggies yesterday. My best bet for a loss this week is to eat tons of veggies.

I'm in Week 8 of this challenge. This is usually the time in most endeavors that I feel the fatigue of tedium. In order for me to get my morning workout, I wake up at 5:30 am. It's a great side effect as I've wanted to move my wake up time to 5 am for years. Starting Monday I want to move it to 5:15 for other reasons.

In great news, a co-worker noticed my weight loss this morning. She asked if I started walking to work again. I said no, but I'm doing WW. She said she can see it. YIPPEE!!!

I'll be using this weekend to rest, prioritize, and kick myself into gear.

Exhausted and Hungry

B2B W8: 105/250, ****, 3 stairs

I feel exhausted...Sigh. I didn't get to the gym this morning because at 5:30 after going to the bathroom all I could do is go back under the covers to catch some more zzz's. I got enough hours of sleep. I just feel exhausted. So, I'm hitting the gym this evening. That might turn out for the best as there's a Zumba class I've been wanting to join forever. Today I get to check it out.

In the evenings, I feel exhausted and ravenous. I didn't do groceries this week and every day I say I'm going to the store and I don't. I don't cook either. Cooking is another key to my weight loss. If I cook 2 days a week I'm good. It's only 2 days, but it's food for 4 and the other days I choose healthy stuff at restaurants.

I'm not sure where the lethargy and hunger are coming from. They're not head things as far as I can tell. I just physically feel that way.

As I was writing this post I popped over to the Anti-Jared to read about his priorities and I was reminded again. I said earlier this week that I need more veggies. I know what happened yesterday. I ate white rice and brown sauce at the Chinese food place. Of course it was within points, but it was not healthy, wholesome food.

I've had 2 weeks of that mantra and it is not working. I was feeling energized and zippy before. Eating within points is one thing. It's quite another to eat WELL within points. That's the lasting part.

I'll say it again, I need to eat wholesome, healthy food. I can eat lots of wholesome, healthy, tasty food. When I eat white rice and white flour and sugar, I feel tired and hungry and it doesn't go away. It feeds on itself. I think I'm going to reinstate the stairs for starch program to develop that habit. I'll be able to eat the white stuff, but I'm going to have to limit it. A habit I need to develop to be healthy for life.

More Veggies

B2B W8: 105/250, ***, 3 stairs

Man, I started getting sloppy. Ever since I stopped the stairs for starch program I stopped taking the stairs. This morning I reached a new level of intensity with the elliptical workout. Boy, did it count. I even started getting a little sloppy counting my points.

Yesterday Tony, the Anti-Jared, gave props to Jennette, the Pasta Queen, as one of his inspirations. They've both lost 200+ lbs. They're both keeping it off. And do you know what else they have in common...They both follow a South Beach type diet. I started tracking Jeannette way back in the day with my first serious weight loss attempts, and I recently started tracking Tony. I'm going to take a page out of their book and bulk up my veggies. This is also following Lyn's key yesterday.

Sure you will lose weight exercising like a maniac and/or reducing your portions. To keep it off though, the successful folks have changed what they eat fundamentally and movement is now a part of their life. They eat healthy, wholesome foods, not exclusively, but overwhelmingly. This is what I'm going for, long term health and well-being.

To that end, I'm going to up my veggie count for being on plan for every challenge. So by the end of the year I'll be eating at least 8 fruit/veggie servings a day. Getting fruit and veggies in automatically reduces the other food that I eat and, like exercise, it changes the quality of the other food I eat. I feel clean and lean. I can actually feel the vitality and energy of the blood coursing through my veins. It makes me want to eat better.

I also want to find a way to incorporate regular movement somehow in the challenge. Sure it's extra stairs there, but they feel really optional. At least with stairs for starch there was a reason to get more stairs.

What Makes A Good Week?

B2B W8: 50/250, **, 0 stairs
B2B W7 WI: +1.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -10.6lbs

This week I gained 1.8 lbs. I was expecting it after last week's 5.4 loss. However, I ate and exercised to reinforce the notion that I would gain. The mind is an interesting ball of yarn.

This week is already shaping up to be better. I usually have a field day on the weekends. I did eat some Flex points, but I didn't go wild. I did not, however, get any exercise in. I've found a few things to be key to my weight loss.

First, exercising 6 days a week is great. If I can even take a 30 minute walk that's even better. The key is to be active.

Second, when I exercise, I must make it count. That means upping the intensity on the elliptical and upping the inclines and pace on the treadmill.

Third, I must eat, and I must eat well. Lyn at Escape from Obesity said it well in her post about produce. I must eat tons of fruit and vegetables. I'm not a fruit fan, so I have to get the veggies in (about 7 servings/day). 7 Servings is not the official number, but I find I do much better with at least 7 servings. Basically, it must become very natural for me to go for veggies at every meal.

Fourth, eating wholesome food is best. In addition to lots of veggies, eating whole grains, and lean meat is best. This, again, is not rocket science, but it's a huge change in the way I treat food.

Fifth, I must diligently work on convincing my brain that healthy, wholesome food is nourishing and tasty. I must also convince my brain that the PRIMARY purpose for food is nourishment. I only eat when I'm hungry now, but the mood I'm in dictates the food I eat. I would like the food I eat to be dictated first by the level of nourishment and fuel my body will receive.

The Spirited Part

B2B W7: 275/250, ****-*, 8 stairs

Just a note to let my readers know that I'm good. This blog is mostly for my expression. It's my place to babble, contemplate, and really work through all the crap that's going on in my head. I find that when I write, things become a lot clearer. Usually, if you read through the end of a post, you'll find that I'm all over it. It's just a place where I can write until I come to peace with a situation.

It might help if I explain how I believe life works. I believe that we create our lives with our thoughts. It's a belief that I grew up with. I didn't just adopt it in the past couple of years with the advent of the Law of Attraction craze. Anyway, in 2003 when I reached burnout with my job, I realized that my life was out of alignment with what I professed to hold dear. From that point on I've been consciously working on getting my life in alignment with what I say I hold dear or, in other words, changing my thoughts, beliefs, and actions. It's been an interesting journey.

I also believe that God/Spirit/Consciousness/Well-Being is expressing through us all the time. Our thoughts, a better word would be beliefs, shapes and tints that expression. I've proven this true often enough that when I see an incongruency between what I'm experiencing and what I think I believe, I dig deeper.

Along with examining my beliefs, I've decided that I want certain things in my life. These things are not in conflict with the constant expression of God. In fact, they are the manifestation of Good. (Caveat: I always leave room for my intention or better as I'm not currently aware of all that is going on in the Universe.) Back to the plot. I've learned that in order to achieve these things, or express more God, I need to clarify my beliefs. That takes a combination of forgiveness, facing fear, examining beliefs, opening to Spirit, and so on.

My focus this year on health requires the actions of eating healthy, wholesome foods, and exercising. These actions are what I like to call inspired actions. Inspired actions are the natural steps taken once you are clear. It's like the natural progression of things. On the spiritual side (this is just a euphemism, I don't think there are distinct aspects of ourselves), manifesting health is expressing God as Life.

One other interesting thing I've learned about expressing an aspect of God: God is indivisible. So I can't single out expressing God as Life. When I seek to express more of God as Life, I automatically express more God as Substance, Joy, Peace, Love, and, in general, Good. Hence the natural desiring of other intentions.

Help!!! Sabotage!

B2B W7: 165/250, ****-, 8 stairs

What the heck is wrong with me?!!!

Last night I decided to have Chick-Fil-A. Thinking that I would be way over points, I decided to not finish eating my veggies, AND have some sugar free cookies when I got home. Well. Jokes on me! Had I just used that nifty gadget I got the other day called a Blackjack, I could have logged into WW mobile, calculated my points, and known that I was fine and I didn't need to throw in the blasted towel.

I was still under points, but because I didn't eat my wonderful baby carrots which were in my bag at the movie theatre (no popcorn either, just deprivation), I was off plan. What kind of head trip is that!!!!!!!

Not only did I do that. Then I decided to say to hell with all of it, with, get this, 3 sugar free cookies. Way to be a rebel Nneka!!!

This morning I slept through the gym because as far as I knew there was no salvation. Never fear, by the hook or the crook I'll be going this evening.

Why do I do this?!!! This is sabotage. I didn't know what it was before, but I see it in living color now. SABOTAGE!

I think it was spending all that time yesterday coming up with goals. My mind must think they're poison. How did it get this way? AND, more important, what do I have to do to convince it that it's okay to have goals AND achieve them. I think I'm afraid that people will expect something from me. I don't know WHAT the deal is. Now that I've found it lurking in the corners, rest assured, I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I intend to achieve my goals.

I think it's the threat of falling from a pedestal. Or maybe it's the expectations that people will have of me. "She was able to do xyz, so let's give her xyz2." Everyone else thinks I can do it, but they don't really know. A friend of mine calls it the fraud complex. You're afraid of being found out so you fly under the radar. Just good enough to get the job done and the occasional kudos, but not exemplary so you have to be an example to someone else.

Damn! I really think I'm onto something here. After the 5.4lb loss, I can marginally eat and get by and either maintain or gain. Then I can say, "Oh well, I'm just a mere mortal." Man, how does this stuff seep into my psyche.

I'm afraid to want, afraid to go for it. I'm afraid of falling from grace. I'm afraid of not being normal. I still want to fit in even though I claim to be someone who doesn't care what people think. It's not fitting in in the clothes or talk sense. It's fitting in in the achievement sense. I can't be too good, who will my peers be? Where will I belong? I can hear the goody two shoes taunts in my head. Under-achievement is a survival mechanism for a girl who's taunted on the school grounds or the teen who had her bag stolen on the first day in a foreign school, but it's a hindrance to the woman with big dreams and ideas who has great things to offer the world. There is no room for me to play small. It's detrimental to everyone.

The mind is an interesting thing. It's like a ball of yarn that a cat has been playing with. It's not simple. At one point, I thought I had to be Miss Perfect. I had to retrain myself to be authentic and vulnerable. I usually do things all or nothing, but even when I go all I don't go all the way. This was a problem before the 2003 burnout and after. Before it was just not wanting to be the over achiever. Since 2003 it's been fear of burning out again and of falling short. All of this stuff is mixed up together. It won't be a straight line to unravel it, but I am committed to doing the work because I want an exemplary life. Sometimes that does mean being an example. I know I'm one now, even if I don't have the label.

Goals, Goals, Goals

B2B W7: 165/250, ****, 8 stairs

Last night I was an evaluator at my Toastmaster's club after being away for over 6 months. As the meeting proceeded, I kept thinking to myself, "Why don't I do more of this?"

On Monday I met with a friend for lunch and we were discussing what I'm going to do with my life. She asked me what happened to my blog (Balanced Life Center). I said I stopped writing over 6 months ago. She asked why, and for the life of me all I could conjure was the pitiful, "I don't have time" excuse.

Every morning when I go to the gym I come home feeling exhilarated and infused with energy. For about a year I walked to work and back, a 1 hour round trip. I loved it. Why did I stop?

I could blame the relationship that I started with amazing DBF around the time of the pauses. Or I could blame it on the continuing education classes that I'm taking in preparation for ministerial school. I can blame it on my job. In the end though, what it boils down to are my priorities.

A few years ago, I broke myself out of the habit of saying that I don't have enough time or money. What I changed it to was that at this time I choose not to spend my time/money that way? It was a very empowering switch. It caused me to examine what I was choosing to spend my time/money on, and in many cases I simply stopped doing what was not beneficial and started doing what was. I also started to do high yielding activities.

For example, I started walking to work instead of carving out time to "exercise" because I wanted to get active in general. I wanted activity to be a part of my life. I also reaped tremendous mental capacity and wellness from walking to and from work. I felt like I owned the city. I became more extraverted. And I got the bonus of exercise.

I can manage a lot if I leverage my time and do the things that I enjoy. Instead of feeling drained and exhausted by mindless, tasking activities, I feel refreshed when I do the things that I love. I dedicated this year to working on my body, almost to the exclusion of everything else because I recognize that it takes focus. However, I won't put my life on hold for one aspect of it. There are a few things I need to accomplish in the next few years and even more that I want to accomplish.

Things I Want to Achieve by December 2010

1. Develop a healthy, lean, flexible, svelt body that weighs 135 lbs
2. Run a half marathon
   
3. Complete SEE classes
   
4. Achieve Toastmaster's Advanced Communicator Bronze
   
5. Achieve Toastmaster's Competent Leader
   
6. Generate 30,000 pageviews/month on Balanced Life Center
   
7. Maintain zero balances on credit cards
   
8. Save $10,000
   
9. Visit 2 US cities that I've not yet visited
   
10. Visit one country I've not yet visited
    
11. Go to Trinidad for Carnival
    
12. Become a US citizen
    

In addition to the above list of goals, I would like to:

• Express and experience more God
  
• Teach one spiritual education class per quarter
  
• Enjoy authentic, loving, soulful relationships
  
• Attend a New Thought or BlogHer conference
• Fix my teeth
  

What does all of this have to do with weight loss? Well, in short, I am getting clearer on the direction I'd like my life to take. I have found in the past that as my body shrinks, my life gets bigger. I gain confidence and assuredness (not certain that's a word). I become steadfast. As I am able to meet any commitment that I make to myself, whether it be eating healthy, or exercising, or meditating daily, I begin to trust myself to make bigger and bigger commitments. My life opens up. This is a wonderful side effect of the year of the body.

B2B Challenge Review

B2B W7: 115/250, **, 3 stairs

Wow! Week 7 of the Back to Basics Challenge! Halfway through my minutes. Eating on plan has been sketchy and the definition changed a few times. I'm comfortable with where it is now. I'm tempted to make this more complicated with a points system to keep it interesting. Funny how I can get "bored" with something in just 6 weeks.

There are some things I would like to push to do. They're mostly in the arena of increasing my exercise intensity. I would like to be able to walk at 3.2 miles per hour on hills going into the 3rd quarter of the year. That's when I start C25K. I can push myself of the elliptical really easy, but on the treadmill, I'm a wuss at 2.8 mph. I really want to be able to run, but I HATE the treadmill. The B2B challenge is just about building good habits. The next challenge will be about doing it well.

Yes, I could walk on the track at the gym, but machines are callibrated and I can tell how fast I'm going and I can make them make me go faster. When I'm freestyle walking, it's very difficult for me to up my intensity, unless I'm going from walking to running. Over long (and I do mean looooong) periods I can see my time improve, but nothing beats upping the intensity on a machine and going faster or harder and knowing it.

I'm really looking forward to adding strength training in the next challenge and I almost want to jump the gun on it. When I created the challenges back in December, I thought I would to the Body For Life strength training routine because it seems to be the most comprehensive. If you know of another really structured plan that's simpler, please let me know. I'm thinking of just doing 3 sets of 12 reps on each machine alternating with upper body and lower body days, one machine per muscle group. I like the idea of keeping my workout pace up, but I don't know what's meant by keeping the pace up. I'm not into expensive equipment so I won't get a heart rate monitor.

Also, at the beginning of this challenge, I set the reward of going to the hairdresser if I have a complete on plan week and did my minutes. Getting my minutes in has been relatively easy. I've only had one on plan week and I didn't take the reward for that week as it was also the week I gained .2 lbs and I was fuming.

Picture by Andy Shaffer

The Numbers

B2B W7: 65/250, *, 0 stairs
B2B W6 WI: -5.4lbs
Total Weight Loss: -12.4lbs

This week I lost an astounding 5.4 lbs, bringing my total weight loss to 12.4 lbs which is 10% of the weight I have left to lose to get to goal. I did 65 minutes of exercise yesterday bring my total to 1650 which is half of the minutes for my first 13-week challenge.

Oh, the numbers of fitness, health, and weight loss! I love 'em!

Quite a departure from a few weeks ago isn't it. Yes, this is a testament to how life controls our emotions as opposed to the other way around. We find if very difficult to live from the inside out, rather than react from the outside.

A Bit Under The Weather

B2B W6: 250/250, *-***, 8 stairs

I can't even believe I got to the gym today and did 50 minutes on the elliptical. I'm feeling a bit under the weather and, usually, at the first hint of a cold, I get punkish. I use it as an excuse not to do anything. Also usually, at the first hint of a cold, I get very protective of my chest as I have asthma. The last time I disregarded a cold I ended up in the hospital overnight. Since then I've been overly cautious. But this time, my body is achy and I'm coughing, but my chest is clear. So, because of that, I've put myself in the fine enough to get to work, therefore workout, category. However, the last time I had this achy, nothing wrong with my chest, but I feel like shit feeling, I had strep...So, you never know.

At any rate, a bit under the weather is how I'll describe it for now.

What's Keeping You Going?

B2B W6: 200/250, *-**, 7 stairs

Soared over 1,500 and eek, eek, eek to the halfway point. That running girl at the top of the page is so cool.

I started to comment to this remark on SJ's post about self sabotage and it turned into a ramble. So I thought I'd just post it here.

And so this pattern has repeated every time I’ve tried to diet or lose weight over the years, time and time again. Sure the food of choice changes but the pattern remains the same.

• Go on diet/change eating/eat right/exercise
  
• Lose weight/start to feel better
  
• Think: I know how to do this
  
• Self Sabotage and tell myself its okay because “I know how to lose weight”
  

I do the same thing. I did OA, had success, stopped doing what needed to be done, got angry with the program, regained the weight. Did WW, had success, thought I had it licked, relaxed, plateau-ed, regained, embarrassed to show my face again.

This time what's going to be different. To be honest, I don't know. I know what NEEDS to be different, but I don't know what WILL be different.

I'm at week 6 into it and I've set myself up the challenge, I know that helps. I've plugged into a community, I know that helps. I'm blogging and keeping it real, I know that helps. All I can do is just keep doing what needs to be done.

I'm taking it in small chunks. I'm taking it week by week as I weigh in. I'm taking it minute by minute as I watch the little ticker on my blog add up the exercise minutes. I'm taking it meal by meal as I track everything that goes into my mouth.

My boyfriend asked me why I go to WW every week. He says weighing every week is too much because you fluctuate too much and you could get discouraged. If it were over a month you'd lose and it'll show consistently.

My response.

I need to check in every week because it gives me a heads up on how I'm doing. It's a reminder that I'm working on this. It keeps me on course. A week is just enough time to make a difference and short enough in my mind that I can MAKE it to the next one. Having a weekly exercise goal helps me to look forward to achieving something even if it doesn't show up on the scale. I think about my next gym visit and the minutes I'll get from the moment I leave the gym. I actually look forward to it. It sets the tone for my day. I can do 24 hours between workouts, 7 days between weigh-ins. I love seeing every minute rack up.

Something in me keeps going, this is not a way to live. My response to it is that this is the way I need to live now. I don't know what's going to happen after the 135 lbs are gone. I know that between now and then I must devise a way to eat that is sustainable. I have 135 lbs, scratch that 129.8 lbs, to retrain my mind.

Maybe that's the thing that scares me. Maybe, it's that I'm running out of time to get it right. Maybe I don't want the thrill of the challenge to be gone. Maybe, it begs the question, "What next?"

And maybe the difference is that this time I'm committed to getting to the bottom of it.

One Hard Lost Pound

B2B W6: 150/250, *-, 5 stairs
B2B W5 WI: -1.0lbs
Total Weight Loss: -7.0lbs

Finished up last week with 255 exercise minutes. I'm almost at 1500 which would be 10% of the goal for the year AND I'm almost half way through for this challenge. I'm sooooo excited!!!!

Down one pound last week. After the gain from the week before, I fought hard psychologically to stay on track. I wasn't any more tempted by food than I usually am, but there was a rebellious teen undercurrent that swept through the week. The big lesson for the week is that every minute, every step, every meal counts, but it's going to take persistence and patience as well.

This week started off rocky. This weekend I just had a field day. I ate whatever I wanted. I did not choose, or rather I consciously chose not to limit myself to wholesome, healthy food. I had some of the things that I'd written off my list with my ban on white stuff like hot chocolate. The interesting thing is that now that I've had the rice and the sugar, I don't really want anymore. I'm ready to get back to clean eating. My body wants it.

Update: Now I don't feel bad at all about wanting to have my rice and flour. Check out this post over at Fitness Fixation.

For the Record

B2B W5: 255/250, --**-*, 11 stairs/1 left

Just wanted to add my minutes and document the on plan day.

I Like Rice And Flour

B2B W5: 210/250, --**-, 9 stairs/-1 left

I'm citing yesterday as an off plan day because I had rice noodles for dinner. Still within points, veggies, water and multi, just had the white stuff. After this week I am lifting the restriction on the white stuff. I will still take the stairs as much as possible, perhaps some kind of bonus program. I'm still going to choose wholesome, healthy food as much as possible. I just like rice and flour too much to restrict them. Yes, I know some of you may see this as a cop out, but...I'm aware of the consequences and it's more beneficial to me to choose health than to mandate it.

I reserve the right to reinstate it.

Ho Hum

B2B W5: 155/250, --**, 6 stairs/-4 left

Not much to say today. Last night I left work after 6:30pm. By the time I got home I was ravenous and annoyed. Thankfully I seasoned salmon the night before to throw on the George Foreman. I had some left over black eyed peas and rice. That was my meal. I had sugar free cookies for dessert. Stayed within points, but I'll be racking up the stairs for the rest of the week.

I'm So Vain

B2B W5: 100/250, --*, 3 stairs/3 left

Thanks for commensurating and rooting me on. I got an added boost from the Anti-Jared. Yes, I am that vain because it was all about me :-) Teehee!

Groceries have been purchased for the week. Got to the gym bright and early this morning. Completed 55 minutes on the elliptical as I'll have to do for the rest of the week. It was great. I did creative intervals so I had to pay attention to the dots passing by. I love that I tell myself that the pain is temporary as I try to complete one minute at resistance 4 and I up the incline to 9. It's a good game.

Food choices are back to being healthy and wholesome. Drank the water. Took the vitamins.

I wonder why I have those internal tantrums. The only one I'm hurting is myself. It's not just when it has to do with my health. I have these little rebellions for a bunch of stuff. It's so juvenile. I'd really like to get to the bottom of it.

The Psychology of a Gain

B2B W5: 45/250, --, 0 stairs/0 left
B2B W4 WI: +0.2lbs
Total Weight Loss: -6.0lbs

I gained 0.2 lbs this week.

Intellectually I know that this is virtually staying steady and that it can be caused by anything. In actuality, I am PISSED. I was more pissed on Saturday when I found out. Today, it's a minor annoyance. But this anger and annoyance plays itself out.

On Saturday when I heard the gain, the first thoughts that reeled through my mind were, "WTF do I have to do to lose a f!@king pound?" Then the bootcamp thoughts came in, "Well, out with the stairs for starch program. I'm not doing any flour or sugar. PERIOD." The leader tried to rationalize with the usual questions. Did I track? Did I eat ALL my points? Did I exercise? Is it that time of the month? The answers were yes, yes (except AP's (25) and 9 of my flex points), yes, NO. Then she asked the person next to her and she said something silly like don't eat the flex points, just eat all the activity points.

Can I just say that I HATE incompetence!!!

I just walked away saying we'll see what happens next week. Because, at that point, that was all I could do. LOGICALLY.

But since then, my mind has been running the "to hell with it" program. Did I enthusiastically go to the gym after the meeting like I do every Saturday? NO. I did manage to drag myself there for a lack luster (I could read) 45-minute workout on the bike. Did I even take the stairs up to the cardio machines? NOPE. I reasoned that since the whole stairs for starch thing was failing why bother. The food wasn't TOO bad. I stayed within points, but did I go out of my way to eat healthy, wholesome foods? NOPE. And on Sunday I didn't even get all of my water in - ordinarily a no brainer. Adding insult to injury, I didn't do my workout this morning.

All this after having a stellar 7 star week last week. (Big win. I got the last 2 stairs in.)

I was so proud of myself before that weigh in. In my mind, I finished January strong. I hurdled over the 1000 minute mark. I was eating healthy, wholesome food by choice. I was getting every vegatable in, even more than was required on most days. I was trying interesting recipes. I enjoyed trying new vegatables. Brown rice is now my friend. My food is very clean. I was thinking of interesting ways to challenge myself in the exercise realm.

All of that progress tossed for what? A point two pound gain. It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? So what do I do now?

Well, I allowed myself the little pity party. (It'll be shorter next time.) As of this moment, I am back in the game. Back to the Back to Basics Challenge. For the challenge, I'm required to exercise at least 250 minutes a week and stay on plan every day. Being on plan for the day means that I eat within my points, I eat at least 5 servings of fruit/vegatables, I drink 48 ounces of water, I take a multivitamin, and I can eat one serving of white flour, sugar, potatoes, or rice for every 5 flights of stairs I take.

It's that simple. And it's totally within my control. That's the reason I set up the challenge that way. The weight will come off if I'm on plan and I exercise. My body does strange things from week to week.

Mindful Living

B2B W4: 280/250, ******, 18 stairs/-2 left

Oops! I guess I have to add 2 flights of stairs today and I can't have anymore white stuff. I'm determined to have a 7 star week.

I tell you what. Losing weight takes a lot of concentration, vigilance, and dedication. Last night I went to Starbuck's for a pick me up, mellow, comforting latte. I just wanted to chill. I got the tall (small) sugar free vanilla latte with 2% milk. I usually get the grande cinammon dolce latte with a slice of the pumpkin loaf. YUM!!! I recalled the no whites deal and got a packet of cashews instead. Good choice you say.

Cashews are a weakness of mine, like coffee ice cream. Such foods are no longer allowed in my house, but I can have them when I'm out because I eat it and it's gone. The cashew packet read 150 calories per one ounce serving which I quickly calculated as 3 points. For those who don't know, 1 point is approximately 50 calories. EXCEPT I didn't calculate the fat part of the points.

Prepared to take the 9 point hit, I enjoyed every scrumpcious cashew while sipping on my latte and chatting with DBF on the plush purple chaise. It was indulging. Imagine my sense of outrage when I plugged in the cashews to find that it was 12.5 points for that 3 ounce bag! AHHHHH!!!!

You know why I'm so outraged. I guess it's the sticker shock.

At any rate, I still had a glut of Flex points and all of my activity points, so it was fine.

You've got to pay attention if you want to lose weight. This isn't really a bad thing. So much of ourselves is on autopilot. We eat mindlessly. We watch television mindlessly. We sit in church mindlessly. Even when we are exerting ourselves with exercise, we want it to be numbing and mindless. We want the time to just pass by.

Losing weight is teaching me to be more mindful and present. Interesting side effect, isn't it?

1000 Minutes!!!

B2B W4: 235/250, *****, 15 stairs/0 left

One thousand tirty five to be exact. Seventeen and one quarter hours. Fifty one and three quarter miles.

I did it!!!

I crossed the 1000 minute mark today sweating it out on the elliptical machine. I did intervals today for the ENTIRE workout. 4/1 and 10/4 intervals. It is a triumph for my mind, moreso than my body. It means I CAN do it.

Goodness Me

B2B W4: 190/250, ****, 12 stairs/2 left

Scale Junkie challenged us to right 10 positive things about ourselves, so here goes:

1. I'm a great teacher and facilitator of adult classes and groups.
   
2. I'm good at my job as a technical translator.
   
3. I'm a good spiritual coach and I'm getting better.
   
4. I am joyful.
   
5. I can see the big picture and place people and tasks where they fit.
   
6. I achieve my goals.
   
7. I spread peace and joy wherever I go.
   
8. I am a loving and generous daughter, aunt, sister, girlfriend, and friend.
   
9. I giggle a LOT.
   
10. My body is beautiful, curvaceous, and sensual
    

I felt so self conscious bragging about myself up there. Why are we so hesitant to acknowledge our Goodness?

Important Support-ants

B2B W4: 145/250, ***, 8 stairs/3 left

When I got separated, I decided that I didn't want to eat my way through the divorce process. I decided to only eat when hungry and until full. It forced me to deal with the emotions. I remember right when I was about to move out feeling really lonely on Mother's Day. I don't have children and my mom and I have a cordial relationship that is growing into a friendship. A tape started playing in my head about how lonely I would be, and that I don't really have any friends, and that all my friends had lives. So, to shut it up, I went through my cell phone and called every mother I knew just to say, "Happy Mother's Day".

I was surprised at the range and quantity of friends that I do have. I realized I was not alone. I was just cutting myself off from life. That's when I got in the habit of calling friends, having coffee chats, and setting up frequent lunches.

I was separated for 17 months before getting divorced (NC rules, bleh). During that time, I called on every resource available to me to keep me supported and enfolded in love. I volunteered. I called friends. I asked for a dedicated chaplain from my spiritual community. I went out with friends. I spent a lot of time in reflection and listening to India Arie. I even sent my ex's phone number to 3 girlfriends so I couldn't call him.

I became vulnerable, but authentic. I had to let myself out and I emerged whole.

Part of losing the weight is losing all the protection that I have. I erroneously think that I can protect myself if I appear to have it together, but it's the other way around. I must be vulnerable to be authentic. I must share myself openly and honestly if I want to be genuinely supported.

Yesterday I let a little me out and I received a wallop of cheers from LTer4ever, Brandi, Kud, Scale Junkie, Felicia, and Sherre. Thank you for all the support :-)

Fear

B2B W4: 100/250, **, 5 stairs
B2B W3 WI: -1.4lbs
Total Weight Loss: -6.2lbs

From 2003 to present, I have undergone a series of life changes that rocked my self confidence to the core. Prior to 2003, I was an over-achiever. I would set big audacious goals and hit them right out of the park. My life was on track. (If there is a track.) Between September 11th and 2003, I had some crisis of conscience. I don't know what to really call it. After that, I started to question everything in my life and little by little (or humongous by humongous), I reconstructed my life. I quit my job. I got a divorce. I moved. I made a career move that pretty much insured that my "career" in that field is over.

In the process, I grew less and less sure of my decisions, and more and more afraid that I was screwing up my life big time. After a while, I dared not set any big audacious goals. It was as if I was rebuilding me. That's why my declaration of a weight goal is so important to me. It's why getting those stars and racking up the minutes is important. I am slowly regaining my confidence in myself.

I entered into a relationship late last year and this guy has not glimpsed the sure, confident person I was prior to 2003. He only knows the timid post-2003 girl.

I want my sure, bold, courageous self BACK!!! I am reclaiming me!

Photo by Daniel.