4 Weeks In A Row

BBB W6: 420/300

I actually came to work 4 full weeks in row. No wellness days. No vacation days. No holidays.

Amazing really!!!

I was marveling at this when a co-worker saw me talking to myself and asked what was up. I told her and she said, "Well, you're losing weight and you're healthier now."

You know what, she's right!!!

I feel healthy. I look smaller. I am losing weight. I feel more energized, less lethargic. I've eat intermittently, so I don't get unreasonably angry from low blood sugar. My immune system is pumped up. My hair, nails, and skin are more radiant and healthy. I can walk faster and farther. I feel alive, invigorated.

I feel healthy.

I Love Exercise

B2B W12: 130/250, -***, 4 stairs

Look at how close that 3030 is to that 3300! I'm over 20% to my goal for the year. I am stoked and so excited! I can do it!!!! You can do it too:-)

Can I just tell you that I love it when my day starts with exercise. It means that I not only exercise, I'm already 2-3 cups of water in. I take my vitamins. I enjoy my fruit for breakfast. I just love clicking off all those icons in WW. I already have my activity points logged for the day. Not to mention, I feel energized and joyful and expectant and ready to have fun and bask in the day. It's all money after the exercise.

I LOVE IT!!!

Progress Not Perfection

B2B W9: 265/250, *****, 8 stairs

Yesterday, I sought food for comfort. I did not eat beyond full. I stayed within points. I made healthy, wholesome choices. I had the comfort food while talking to friends about the situation. However, in the essence of full disclosure, I wanted to say that I did, in a way, turn to food. I am getting better. As they say in OA, "Progress not perfection." However, I did seek comfort in it.

On a happy note, I'm over my goal for the week, but I need to make up some minutes this week so I'll meet the goal for the challenge. I'm so excited about finishing up the first challenge for the year. I learned a lot this quarter about myself and my relationship with food. I love exercise. After drinking water it is the easiest part of a healthy lifestyle for me. I just love how my body feels when I exercise. I feel lean, sensuous, and invigorated. I feel energized. It's an easy win.

BTW, look at that chick go!

Help!!! Sabotage!

B2B W7: 165/250, ****-, 8 stairs

What the heck is wrong with me?!!!

Last night I decided to have Chick-Fil-A. Thinking that I would be way over points, I decided to not finish eating my veggies, AND have some sugar free cookies when I got home. Well. Jokes on me! Had I just used that nifty gadget I got the other day called a Blackjack, I could have logged into WW mobile, calculated my points, and known that I was fine and I didn't need to throw in the blasted towel.

I was still under points, but because I didn't eat my wonderful baby carrots which were in my bag at the movie theatre (no popcorn either, just deprivation), I was off plan. What kind of head trip is that!!!!!!!

Not only did I do that. Then I decided to say to hell with all of it, with, get this, 3 sugar free cookies. Way to be a rebel Nneka!!!

This morning I slept through the gym because as far as I knew there was no salvation. Never fear, by the hook or the crook I'll be going this evening.

Why do I do this?!!! This is sabotage. I didn't know what it was before, but I see it in living color now. SABOTAGE!

I think it was spending all that time yesterday coming up with goals. My mind must think they're poison. How did it get this way? AND, more important, what do I have to do to convince it that it's okay to have goals AND achieve them. I think I'm afraid that people will expect something from me. I don't know WHAT the deal is. Now that I've found it lurking in the corners, rest assured, I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I intend to achieve my goals.

I think it's the threat of falling from a pedestal. Or maybe it's the expectations that people will have of me. "She was able to do xyz, so let's give her xyz2." Everyone else thinks I can do it, but they don't really know. A friend of mine calls it the fraud complex. You're afraid of being found out so you fly under the radar. Just good enough to get the job done and the occasional kudos, but not exemplary so you have to be an example to someone else.

Damn! I really think I'm onto something here. After the 5.4lb loss, I can marginally eat and get by and either maintain or gain. Then I can say, "Oh well, I'm just a mere mortal." Man, how does this stuff seep into my psyche.

I'm afraid to want, afraid to go for it. I'm afraid of falling from grace. I'm afraid of not being normal. I still want to fit in even though I claim to be someone who doesn't care what people think. It's not fitting in in the clothes or talk sense. It's fitting in in the achievement sense. I can't be too good, who will my peers be? Where will I belong? I can hear the goody two shoes taunts in my head. Under-achievement is a survival mechanism for a girl who's taunted on the school grounds or the teen who had her bag stolen on the first day in a foreign school, but it's a hindrance to the woman with big dreams and ideas who has great things to offer the world. There is no room for me to play small. It's detrimental to everyone.

The mind is an interesting thing. It's like a ball of yarn that a cat has been playing with. It's not simple. At one point, I thought I had to be Miss Perfect. I had to retrain myself to be authentic and vulnerable. I usually do things all or nothing, but even when I go all I don't go all the way. This was a problem before the 2003 burnout and after. Before it was just not wanting to be the over achiever. Since 2003 it's been fear of burning out again and of falling short. All of this stuff is mixed up together. It won't be a straight line to unravel it, but I am committed to doing the work because I want an exemplary life. Sometimes that does mean being an example. I know I'm one now, even if I don't have the label.

The Numbers

B2B W7: 65/250, *, 0 stairs
B2B W6 WI: -5.4lbs
Total Weight Loss: -12.4lbs

This week I lost an astounding 5.4 lbs, bringing my total weight loss to 12.4 lbs which is 10% of the weight I have left to lose to get to goal. I did 65 minutes of exercise yesterday bring my total to 1650 which is half of the minutes for my first 13-week challenge.

Oh, the numbers of fitness, health, and weight loss! I love 'em!

Quite a departure from a few weeks ago isn't it. Yes, this is a testament to how life controls our emotions as opposed to the other way around. We find if very difficult to live from the inside out, rather than react from the outside.

I'm So Vain

B2B W5: 100/250, --*, 3 stairs/3 left

Thanks for commensurating and rooting me on. I got an added boost from the Anti-Jared. Yes, I am that vain because it was all about me :-) Teehee!

Groceries have been purchased for the week. Got to the gym bright and early this morning. Completed 55 minutes on the elliptical as I'll have to do for the rest of the week. It was great. I did creative intervals so I had to pay attention to the dots passing by. I love that I tell myself that the pain is temporary as I try to complete one minute at resistance 4 and I up the incline to 9. It's a good game.

Food choices are back to being healthy and wholesome. Drank the water. Took the vitamins.

I wonder why I have those internal tantrums. The only one I'm hurting is myself. It's not just when it has to do with my health. I have these little rebellions for a bunch of stuff. It's so juvenile. I'd really like to get to the bottom of it.

The Psychology of a Gain

B2B W5: 45/250, --, 0 stairs/0 left
B2B W4 WI: +0.2lbs
Total Weight Loss: -6.0lbs

I gained 0.2 lbs this week.

Intellectually I know that this is virtually staying steady and that it can be caused by anything. In actuality, I am PISSED. I was more pissed on Saturday when I found out. Today, it's a minor annoyance. But this anger and annoyance plays itself out.

On Saturday when I heard the gain, the first thoughts that reeled through my mind were, "WTF do I have to do to lose a f!@king pound?" Then the bootcamp thoughts came in, "Well, out with the stairs for starch program. I'm not doing any flour or sugar. PERIOD." The leader tried to rationalize with the usual questions. Did I track? Did I eat ALL my points? Did I exercise? Is it that time of the month? The answers were yes, yes (except AP's (25) and 9 of my flex points), yes, NO. Then she asked the person next to her and she said something silly like don't eat the flex points, just eat all the activity points.

Can I just say that I HATE incompetence!!!

I just walked away saying we'll see what happens next week. Because, at that point, that was all I could do. LOGICALLY.

But since then, my mind has been running the "to hell with it" program. Did I enthusiastically go to the gym after the meeting like I do every Saturday? NO. I did manage to drag myself there for a lack luster (I could read) 45-minute workout on the bike. Did I even take the stairs up to the cardio machines? NOPE. I reasoned that since the whole stairs for starch thing was failing why bother. The food wasn't TOO bad. I stayed within points, but did I go out of my way to eat healthy, wholesome foods? NOPE. And on Sunday I didn't even get all of my water in - ordinarily a no brainer. Adding insult to injury, I didn't do my workout this morning.

All this after having a stellar 7 star week last week. (Big win. I got the last 2 stairs in.)

I was so proud of myself before that weigh in. In my mind, I finished January strong. I hurdled over the 1000 minute mark. I was eating healthy, wholesome food by choice. I was getting every vegatable in, even more than was required on most days. I was trying interesting recipes. I enjoyed trying new vegatables. Brown rice is now my friend. My food is very clean. I was thinking of interesting ways to challenge myself in the exercise realm.

All of that progress tossed for what? A point two pound gain. It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? So what do I do now?

Well, I allowed myself the little pity party. (It'll be shorter next time.) As of this moment, I am back in the game. Back to the Back to Basics Challenge. For the challenge, I'm required to exercise at least 250 minutes a week and stay on plan every day. Being on plan for the day means that I eat within my points, I eat at least 5 servings of fruit/vegatables, I drink 48 ounces of water, I take a multivitamin, and I can eat one serving of white flour, sugar, potatoes, or rice for every 5 flights of stairs I take.

It's that simple. And it's totally within my control. That's the reason I set up the challenge that way. The weight will come off if I'm on plan and I exercise. My body does strange things from week to week.

Mindful Living

B2B W4: 280/250, ******, 18 stairs/-2 left

Oops! I guess I have to add 2 flights of stairs today and I can't have anymore white stuff. I'm determined to have a 7 star week.

I tell you what. Losing weight takes a lot of concentration, vigilance, and dedication. Last night I went to Starbuck's for a pick me up, mellow, comforting latte. I just wanted to chill. I got the tall (small) sugar free vanilla latte with 2% milk. I usually get the grande cinammon dolce latte with a slice of the pumpkin loaf. YUM!!! I recalled the no whites deal and got a packet of cashews instead. Good choice you say.

Cashews are a weakness of mine, like coffee ice cream. Such foods are no longer allowed in my house, but I can have them when I'm out because I eat it and it's gone. The cashew packet read 150 calories per one ounce serving which I quickly calculated as 3 points. For those who don't know, 1 point is approximately 50 calories. EXCEPT I didn't calculate the fat part of the points.

Prepared to take the 9 point hit, I enjoyed every scrumpcious cashew while sipping on my latte and chatting with DBF on the plush purple chaise. It was indulging. Imagine my sense of outrage when I plugged in the cashews to find that it was 12.5 points for that 3 ounce bag! AHHHHH!!!!

You know why I'm so outraged. I guess it's the sticker shock.

At any rate, I still had a glut of Flex points and all of my activity points, so it was fine.

You've got to pay attention if you want to lose weight. This isn't really a bad thing. So much of ourselves is on autopilot. We eat mindlessly. We watch television mindlessly. We sit in church mindlessly. Even when we are exerting ourselves with exercise, we want it to be numbing and mindless. We want the time to just pass by.

Losing weight is teaching me to be more mindful and present. Interesting side effect, isn't it?

Goodness Me

B2B W4: 190/250, ****, 12 stairs/2 left

Scale Junkie challenged us to right 10 positive things about ourselves, so here goes:

1. I'm a great teacher and facilitator of adult classes and groups.
   
2. I'm good at my job as a technical translator.
   
3. I'm a good spiritual coach and I'm getting better.
   
4. I am joyful.
   
5. I can see the big picture and place people and tasks where they fit.
   
6. I achieve my goals.
   
7. I spread peace and joy wherever I go.
   
8. I am a loving and generous daughter, aunt, sister, girlfriend, and friend.
   
9. I giggle a LOT.
   
10. My body is beautiful, curvaceous, and sensual
    

I felt so self conscious bragging about myself up there. Why are we so hesitant to acknowledge our Goodness?

Important Support-ants

B2B W4: 145/250, ***, 8 stairs/3 left

When I got separated, I decided that I didn't want to eat my way through the divorce process. I decided to only eat when hungry and until full. It forced me to deal with the emotions. I remember right when I was about to move out feeling really lonely on Mother's Day. I don't have children and my mom and I have a cordial relationship that is growing into a friendship. A tape started playing in my head about how lonely I would be, and that I don't really have any friends, and that all my friends had lives. So, to shut it up, I went through my cell phone and called every mother I knew just to say, "Happy Mother's Day".

I was surprised at the range and quantity of friends that I do have. I realized I was not alone. I was just cutting myself off from life. That's when I got in the habit of calling friends, having coffee chats, and setting up frequent lunches.

I was separated for 17 months before getting divorced (NC rules, bleh). During that time, I called on every resource available to me to keep me supported and enfolded in love. I volunteered. I called friends. I asked for a dedicated chaplain from my spiritual community. I went out with friends. I spent a lot of time in reflection and listening to India Arie. I even sent my ex's phone number to 3 girlfriends so I couldn't call him.

I became vulnerable, but authentic. I had to let myself out and I emerged whole.

Part of losing the weight is losing all the protection that I have. I erroneously think that I can protect myself if I appear to have it together, but it's the other way around. I must be vulnerable to be authentic. I must share myself openly and honestly if I want to be genuinely supported.

Yesterday I let a little me out and I received a wallop of cheers from LTer4ever, Brandi, Kud, Scale Junkie, Felicia, and Sherre. Thank you for all the support :-)

Fear

B2B W4: 100/250, **, 5 stairs
B2B W3 WI: -1.4lbs
Total Weight Loss: -6.2lbs

From 2003 to present, I have undergone a series of life changes that rocked my self confidence to the core. Prior to 2003, I was an over-achiever. I would set big audacious goals and hit them right out of the park. My life was on track. (If there is a track.) Between September 11th and 2003, I had some crisis of conscience. I don't know what to really call it. After that, I started to question everything in my life and little by little (or humongous by humongous), I reconstructed my life. I quit my job. I got a divorce. I moved. I made a career move that pretty much insured that my "career" in that field is over.

In the process, I grew less and less sure of my decisions, and more and more afraid that I was screwing up my life big time. After a while, I dared not set any big audacious goals. It was as if I was rebuilding me. That's why my declaration of a weight goal is so important to me. It's why getting those stars and racking up the minutes is important. I am slowly regaining my confidence in myself.

I entered into a relationship late last year and this guy has not glimpsed the sure, confident person I was prior to 2003. He only knows the timid post-2003 girl.

I want my sure, bold, courageous self BACK!!! I am reclaiming me!

Photo by Daniel.