What's Keeping You Going?

B2B W6: 200/250, *-**, 7 stairs

Soared over 1,500 and eek, eek, eek to the halfway point. That running girl at the top of the page is so cool.

I started to comment to this remark on SJ's post about self sabotage and it turned into a ramble. So I thought I'd just post it here.

And so this pattern has repeated every time I’ve tried to diet or lose weight over the years, time and time again. Sure the food of choice changes but the pattern remains the same.

• Go on diet/change eating/eat right/exercise
  
• Lose weight/start to feel better
  
• Think: I know how to do this
  
• Self Sabotage and tell myself its okay because “I know how to lose weight”
  

I do the same thing. I did OA, had success, stopped doing what needed to be done, got angry with the program, regained the weight. Did WW, had success, thought I had it licked, relaxed, plateau-ed, regained, embarrassed to show my face again.

This time what's going to be different. To be honest, I don't know. I know what NEEDS to be different, but I don't know what WILL be different.

I'm at week 6 into it and I've set myself up the challenge, I know that helps. I've plugged into a community, I know that helps. I'm blogging and keeping it real, I know that helps. All I can do is just keep doing what needs to be done.

I'm taking it in small chunks. I'm taking it week by week as I weigh in. I'm taking it minute by minute as I watch the little ticker on my blog add up the exercise minutes. I'm taking it meal by meal as I track everything that goes into my mouth.

My boyfriend asked me why I go to WW every week. He says weighing every week is too much because you fluctuate too much and you could get discouraged. If it were over a month you'd lose and it'll show consistently.

My response.

I need to check in every week because it gives me a heads up on how I'm doing. It's a reminder that I'm working on this. It keeps me on course. A week is just enough time to make a difference and short enough in my mind that I can MAKE it to the next one. Having a weekly exercise goal helps me to look forward to achieving something even if it doesn't show up on the scale. I think about my next gym visit and the minutes I'll get from the moment I leave the gym. I actually look forward to it. It sets the tone for my day. I can do 24 hours between workouts, 7 days between weigh-ins. I love seeing every minute rack up.

Something in me keeps going, this is not a way to live. My response to it is that this is the way I need to live now. I don't know what's going to happen after the 135 lbs are gone. I know that between now and then I must devise a way to eat that is sustainable. I have 135 lbs, scratch that 129.8 lbs, to retrain my mind.

Maybe that's the thing that scares me. Maybe, it's that I'm running out of time to get it right. Maybe I don't want the thrill of the challenge to be gone. Maybe, it begs the question, "What next?"

And maybe the difference is that this time I'm committed to getting to the bottom of it.