Trusting My Body, Trusting Myself

BBB W6: 195/300

I did get 400 minutes last week!!! I went for a walk in the morning.

This week so far I'm at 195 and it feels great:-)

I haven't weighed in 2 weeks at WW. I've been weighing on my scale at home. It now reads 248lbs. My weight is going down rapidly and I'm loving it.

I got some guidance to eat more fruit, vegetables, and lean meat, less starches, sugar, and fat. I'm going to follow that guidance. I eat fruit and veggies (grape tomatoes) all morning long and I love it. I eat apples, grapes, strawberries, and the newly discovered blackberries. I also have a veggie snack in the afternoon so I don't end up feeling ravenous and wanting to eat everything in sight when I get home.

I haven't been paying close attention to (read worrying about) what I eat. I've just been eating what I want to in a given moment. I am following my body's guidance and trusting it.

Honestly, I feel a bit wobbly without the constant tracking, but every week the scale goes down. I feel absolutely wonderful that I am finally learning to trust myself. That trust has amazing consequences.

No More Obsession

BBB W4: 195/300
BBB W3 WI: -1.0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -17.4lbs
Current Weight: 254.4lbs

I lost another pound!!!!

Weight loss 3 weeks in a row!!!!

Since the first 3 weeks of the year that's been unheard of. My body is cooperating. In fact, it's just doing what it does and I am no longer trying to whip it into shape. It is responding magnificently.

What did I change?

I stopped obsessing.

I stopped tracking every morsel.

I stopped tracking every sip of water.

I stopped tracking my fruit and vegetables.

What did I start doing?

I started to respect and trust my body.

I started to relax about my food.

I gave myself some space to be.

Specifically, I started pre-paving my food and working up the Abraham-Hicks emotional guidance scale as it relates to my body and weight loss.

I actually feel at peace now. Not resigned, but at peace!

BBB Week 3 Check In

BBB W3: 90/300, 1/25 ST, 2 stairs
BBB W2 WI: -2.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -16.4lbs
Current Weight: 255.4lbs

I lost 2.4lbs last week. Yippee!!!!

I'm glad to say that I did life this week an lost the weight. As I've been saying, I'm trying something very different with my food. It has nothing to do with counting anything. In fact, I'm not counting anything. However, I am eating healthy, wholesome, nourishing food that my body just loves to process. It converts the food and fat cells to fuel very, very, fast.

I still haven't been back to the gym though I did walk around the park twice on Saturday. I love walking around the park. I love going to the gym too, but there is a part of me that thinks of it like punishment. This week, I'll be working with that part of me. I just love moving my body. It is my absolute pleasure to do so.

I Can Eat A Lot of Food

B2B W13: 230/250, *****, 2 stairs

Yesterday, I had a veggie filled day. I started it with an apple and a cup of grapes. I had a portabello sandwich for lunch. At dinner, I had a spanaktopita (spinach filled pastry), a salad, and veggie lasagna.

Looking back on my food this morning, I realized that I can eat so much food. One of the things that tend to occupy my mind when I'm "on a diet" is all the stuff I CAN'T have, and all the quatities I CAN'T have, and all the flavors I CAN'T enjoy. Only this morning did it dawn on me all the food I CAN have, all the quantities I CAN have, and all the flavors I am being introduced to.

This is what I mean by a core shift in the way I view food - changes in my lexicon on what I think is satisfying, shifting my focus from all the ways I'm depriving myself to all the new, healthy ways in which I'm indulging myself.

I feel as if a boulder was removed from my stream of consciousness.

I actually CAN enjoy food. What a concept!

Confession Time

B2B W13: 130/250, **, 0 stairs

Twenty more minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy smokes!!!!!!!!!!

I'm doing it!!!!!

At least there were fewer exclamation points. Wow! Best part is that I made it through March. I can't wait to start strength training.

I'm ready for some honesty. I said I didn't know why the scale wasn't showing me the rewards of my work. However, I failed to mention that for the past 2 weeks I had pizza the night before. Half of one of those make at home pizzas each time. I feel like I lied to you and myself. I'm sorry. I won't wallow in the guilt though. I'm just going to be honest with myself.

I do need to find a way to decompress in the evenings and especially on Friday evenings. I feel like the end of the week. I've had all my veggies. I ate clean. I can have whatever I want. The issue is that I use food to decompress when there's a multitude of other ways. I think I'm going to go for a manicure or pedicure or something like that. I just need to decompress. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything that requires thought or energy. I just want to chill. Not veg, just chill.

Any suggestions?

Point 2 A-Gain

B2B W13: 90/250, , 0 stairs
B2B W12 WI: +.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -12.8lbs
Current Weight: 259.0lbs

Sad thing is, I'm not even annoyed. I'm resigned. I don't know why I'm skirting the 5% goal line. Honestly, I think it's in my mind.

I'm sure someone out there would say that I'm eating something wrong. However, let me assure you that I'm tracking every morsel. This week I had 21 AP's and 11 flex points left. I eat 6-8 servings of fruit and vegetables a day. I'm exercising. I just don't know what this is about.

Please don't say the old "maybe it's muscle." I'm not buying it.

I really believe I have an internal resistance to reaching weight loss goals. I thought I could sneak by it by reaching fitness goals, but it's having a face off with me. It's not relenting.

WHAT IS IT?!!!!!

In the first 6 weeks I lost 12.4lbs. In the second 6 weeks I lost .4lbs. Anyone see anything wierd here? At least I'm losing.

Well, this is good. I'm now frustrated. AHHHHH!

In better news, I'm only 60 minutes away from reaching the Back to Basics Challenge exercise minutes goal. It's been one hell of a ride!

Setting Goals As A Kreativ Blogger

B2B W12: 190/250, -****, 7 stairs

When Ashley said she had something for me I had no idea it would be blog award. I am so honored. Thank you Ashley:-)

210 Minutes to go!!!!! Absolutely amazing. I have to do 60 minutes tomorrow to meet this week's 250 goal. I'll be at least 100 minutes over my challenge goal at the end of it. So cool, so cool!

For any of you out there who feel like this is an uphill battle, set a small easily accomplishable goal for yourself for 30 days. Make it completely within your control (by default it can't be weight related). Make it something like eating a certain number of servings of fruit and veggies everyday or walking 15 minutes. Keep it very simple and manageable. Do it everyday. By the end of the 30 days, you will feel empowered and successful. Then set a slightly bigger goal, still completely within your control. Then another, and another. You need to get your mind to believe that you can do this - you can be healthy, you can make good choices for your body.

You will feel better and you will BE healthier.

Okay, for the Kreativ Blogger Award, I get to tell you 7 things I love:

1. Family and friends
2. Starbuck's purple chairs
3. The Y
4. Being healthy
5. Living within a 2 mile radius of my life
6. Metaphysics
7. Making money

The blogs I love are in the side bar. They're arranged by latest posting.

Mood, Uh, Scale Swing

B2B W12: 70/250, -**, 0 stairs
B2B W11 WI: +.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -13.0lbs
Current Weight: 258.8lbs

I'm in week 12, the second to last week of the challenge. I only have 10% to go to my exercise goal. Woohaa!!! I feel so accomplished and good about it.

I had a .2 gain last week. I ate every exercise and flex point - rather interesting actually. For the past 3 days, instead of focusing on the excitement and joy of getting to week 12 of the challenge and completing 90% of my goal, I fell into the soup of gain despair and annoyance. OVER POINT TWO POUNDS!!!!

Why do we do that? I said the words, "I'm not bringing in my tracker because body weight fluctuates for all sorts of reasons." Meanwhile my psyche went through the trained I don't give a F#@K response. What's that all about?

I know I'm doing well. My food is cleaner. I'm moving my body and loving it. I feel leaner and healthier. What is the deal with my mood swings that go with the number on the scale? Why go through the process?

Less Than 500 Minutes To Go

B2B W11: 235/250, *****, 12 stairs

And more than 2 weeks to do it in!!! That means that I'll definitely surpass my goal.

My food is very good. I started eating just fruit in the morning and that's worked out really well. During the day at work, my food choices are very healthy and wholesome. I bring my breakfast (fruit) and snacks (fruit, veggies, cheese). I go out to lunch everyday. I eat well there. Then I go home in the evening. I want to start eating cleaner in the evening.

By the time I'm done with work, I've surpassed my veggie goal for the day. In the evening, I don't go on a spree, but I don't eat the healthiest, wholesomist (should be a word) food either. At the end of the work day I feel mentally exhausted. I often just want to take a nap or at the very least sit in a chair and sip a cup of tea. Duh!!! Why don't I just do that? I just want to have 30 minutes of silence.

DBF, who's an extrovert, works at home all day. He picks me up. From the moment he picks me up, bless his heart, he starts talking. Just at the moment I don't want to talk. TO ANYBODY.

The reason this is important is that while I don't eat when I'm not hungry. The mood I'm in when I'm hungry sometimes dictates the food that I choose to eat. I am working myself out of that habit. However, on the other end, I really would like some Calgon time when I get home. It will help me to make more nourishing food choices. I LOVE making nourishing food choices.

I am finding that as I choose healthy, wholesome food, my points automatically come into alignment. This is what I want. At some point, I'm going to take off the points training wheels and just eat the foods I choose to eat. I want to choose those nourishing foods. The other reason I want to develop the healthy eating habit is that I don't want to obsess about what I'm putting into my mouth for the rest of my life. I'm re-wiring my subconscious. I want nourishing eating, healthy habits, and activity to be infused into who I am.

A Pivotal Week

B2B W11: 60/250, *, 3 stairs
B2B W10 WI: -3.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -13.2lbs
Current Weight: 258.6lbs

I had a mental shift this week. I've been talking all along about choosing to be healthy, choosing to move, choosing to eat wholesome food. This week I shifted into choosing. I shifted from hemming and hawing over how much I HAVE to do this and how much I SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be eating something into doing it because I want to feel healthy. I shifted into really feeling healthy this week. I shifted into being inspired by feeling energized and invigorated. I had the mental battles over what to eat, but once I reminded myself that I'm making the choice to be healthy, the enemy (whatever it was in my head) surrendered. I felt at peace with my choices. I felt that I was moving in stride with what I said I wanted.

It happened through a series of conversations I had with friends. On Monday I was reminded that my life is not an obligation. I do have the power to create it. The activities that I engage in are activities in which I choose to engage. Exercising and eating healthy are things I chose to do at the beginning of the year. I made a commitment to change the way I see food and movement for life, not just a spurt while I'm loosing weight. No one is punishing me. The moment I let go of the battering ram, all of my choices became MUCH easier.

I also watched a Law of Attraction video that let me know that I was struggling against the natural flow of Life. My natural state is health. My being wants to be healthy, that's why it's such a strong desire. All this time I'm MAKING myself do stuff, I'm going against the natural current. I simply reframed my thinking from "have to" to "get to". I get to go to the gym. I started being appreciative of the ability to work on the treadmill. Rather than think about how sleepy I am in the morning, I thought about how exhilarated and invigorated I feel when I exercise. Instead of swallowing my veggies and suffering them until I could have the good stuff, I started to imagine clean, vital blood flowing through my muscles and organs. Healthy blood carrying the nutrients and fuel that I need to live and thrive.

Best of all, I shifted from being my best critic, to being my best coach.

McDonald's Is No Longer An Option

B2B W10: 180/250, **, 3 stairs

Went for a walk around the lake yesterday and did the bike this morning at the gym.

I was reading one of my favorite bloggers and I realized that I hadn't had McDonald's in about 9 months. I used to frequent them for the quick nugget meal and the Oreo concoction. When I did consulting work in the next city over, I would pick up a McGriddle on my 3-hour commute on Monday morning as a "treat". These days though, Mickey D's doesn't even cross my mind, despite having 2 within a 1 of each other and 1/2 a mile in either direction from my house.

I feel the sense of not speaking too soon, lest I get a ravenous craving for the oreo concoction. However, for the past 9 months it hasn't even been a thought. Before that for 9 months, it wasn't a thought either.

As I read this morning, it occured to me that if I could do that with MD, I could do it with anything.

Why do I feel so threatened when I realize that I can't have a particular food for a long time?

I get this panicky, what's going to happen to me, how can I live without it feel it. This is not a normal response. After all, it's just food isn't it?

Well, it's a process. Last night I contemplated going out to dinner after taking down ground beef to defrost. No particular reason to go out rather than cook. I wasn't tired. We didn't need to spend the money. There was nothing to celebrate. After DBF suggested that I cook, I found myself getting a bit biligerant. Why can't I...? It's like a little brat in my head.

I cooked anyway and it was great. I knew exactly how much and what I was eating. I made a nutritious, delicious, wholesome meal for both of us. I felt relaxed and oddly accomplished when I was done. It was a fulfilling experience. So what's that other stuff about?

I recognize that I am changing and I am willing to change. Radically, if necessary. I am willing to do what it takes to live a healthy, energized life. That isn't a short term 6, 12, or even 18 month journey then back to "normal". It's about creating a new normal where MD is no longer an option.

The Anti-Jared Strikes Again

B2B W9: 265/250, ******, 8 stairs

Tony is amazing. If you are serious about losing weight, read his blog. He has no excuses.

This morning the alarm went off at 5:15am and I hit snooze until 5:35. I wrestled with whether or not to go to the gym and decided against. I wanted to cuddle and be held and sleep some more. And I go to the gym every day. And I've met my goal for the week. And I'm tired. And I deserve a break.

Then I read the Anti-Jared. He had a similar experience at 5:43 this morning. Go ahead, go over and read it. I'll be here when you get back.

His post made me realize again that this is not something I'm doing for the short term to lose weight. Exercising in the morning is a habit I am building for my life. It's like getting up and taking a shower, or going to work. If I treated my job the way I treat my health, I would be fired by now.

Imagine...Wakati, your job responsibilities are to eat healthy, wholesome food and exercise every day. First 6 weeks on the job, everything is wonderful. Week 7, I get some negative, constructive feedback and I say oh, to hell with this, I'm just going to do what I want now. Monday, I eat healthy but don't exercise. Tuesday is a good day, I exercise AND eat healthy. Wednesday, I exercise half-heartedly and I almost eat healthy. Thursday, I have a stellar day. Friday the same. Saturday, by some fluke, I get amazing feedback for something I did during my 6-week perfect stint.

Week 8 I decide to "get back on track". I struggle and get more negative, but constructive feedback. Should have seen it coming based on my performance last week. Week 9. This job is a chore, don't I deserve a raise yet.

Imagine if I treated my job like that. Why do I treat my health that way?

I'll be at the gym this evening. DBF should be ecstatic. He loves the sauna. I think I'll spend some time in there myself. It'll be my treat at the end of an invigorating workout. That'll be my decompression this Friday.

Progress Not Perfection

B2B W9: 265/250, *****, 8 stairs

Yesterday, I sought food for comfort. I did not eat beyond full. I stayed within points. I made healthy, wholesome choices. I had the comfort food while talking to friends about the situation. However, in the essence of full disclosure, I wanted to say that I did, in a way, turn to food. I am getting better. As they say in OA, "Progress not perfection." However, I did seek comfort in it.

On a happy note, I'm over my goal for the week, but I need to make up some minutes this week so I'll meet the goal for the challenge. I'm so excited about finishing up the first challenge for the year. I learned a lot this quarter about myself and my relationship with food. I love exercise. After drinking water it is the easiest part of a healthy lifestyle for me. I just love how my body feels when I exercise. I feel lean, sensuous, and invigorated. I feel energized. It's an easy win.

BTW, look at that chick go!

My Body Is A Mystery

B2B W9: 60/250, , 1 stairs
B2B W8 WI: -1.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -11.8lbs

No, not a wonderland. A mystery. (Oh, well, maybe a wonderland too.)

I'm down 1.2 lbs after last week.

I feel leaner and healthier. Yesterday I did make healthy choices at lunch and dinner, not so much for breakfast.

I'm not sure how I managed to pull off a 1.2 lb loss given the lack of exercise and eating every possible point. The WW folks used the old, "eat more", reasoning. I'm not convinced. I think my body might need some down time to catch up on all the stuff I do to it, and I need to keep it guessing. I wish it could talk back to me and tell me why it lost weight this week and gained 1.8 last week.

Alas, it can't, but I am grateful:-)

Not Paying Attention

B2B W8: 105/250, ******, 5 stairs

Well, I think I've left the building. This morning I forgot to pack my stash for the day (fruit, carrots, breakfast bar, cheese sticks). It just didn't even occur to me. Sigh!

That's all I have to report. I hate it when things get like this. I especially hate that I'm 100% responsible. I feel like I'm going to have to work myself back up in momentum. How could I do well for 7 straight weeks then falter like this. They say a habit is formed in 21-30 days. I'm after day 49 and my pack-snacks-for-work habit has failed.

It's going to be interesting today:-(

What Makes A Good Week?

B2B W8: 50/250, **, 0 stairs
B2B W7 WI: +1.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -10.6lbs

This week I gained 1.8 lbs. I was expecting it after last week's 5.4 loss. However, I ate and exercised to reinforce the notion that I would gain. The mind is an interesting ball of yarn.

This week is already shaping up to be better. I usually have a field day on the weekends. I did eat some Flex points, but I didn't go wild. I did not, however, get any exercise in. I've found a few things to be key to my weight loss.

First, exercising 6 days a week is great. If I can even take a 30 minute walk that's even better. The key is to be active.

Second, when I exercise, I must make it count. That means upping the intensity on the elliptical and upping the inclines and pace on the treadmill.

Third, I must eat, and I must eat well. Lyn at Escape from Obesity said it well in her post about produce. I must eat tons of fruit and vegetables. I'm not a fruit fan, so I have to get the veggies in (about 7 servings/day). 7 Servings is not the official number, but I find I do much better with at least 7 servings. Basically, it must become very natural for me to go for veggies at every meal.

Fourth, eating wholesome food is best. In addition to lots of veggies, eating whole grains, and lean meat is best. This, again, is not rocket science, but it's a huge change in the way I treat food.

Fifth, I must diligently work on convincing my brain that healthy, wholesome food is nourishing and tasty. I must also convince my brain that the PRIMARY purpose for food is nourishment. I only eat when I'm hungry now, but the mood I'm in dictates the food I eat. I would like the food I eat to be dictated first by the level of nourishment and fuel my body will receive.

The Spirited Part

B2B W7: 275/250, ****-*, 8 stairs

Just a note to let my readers know that I'm good. This blog is mostly for my expression. It's my place to babble, contemplate, and really work through all the crap that's going on in my head. I find that when I write, things become a lot clearer. Usually, if you read through the end of a post, you'll find that I'm all over it. It's just a place where I can write until I come to peace with a situation.

It might help if I explain how I believe life works. I believe that we create our lives with our thoughts. It's a belief that I grew up with. I didn't just adopt it in the past couple of years with the advent of the Law of Attraction craze. Anyway, in 2003 when I reached burnout with my job, I realized that my life was out of alignment with what I professed to hold dear. From that point on I've been consciously working on getting my life in alignment with what I say I hold dear or, in other words, changing my thoughts, beliefs, and actions. It's been an interesting journey.

I also believe that God/Spirit/Consciousness/Well-Being is expressing through us all the time. Our thoughts, a better word would be beliefs, shapes and tints that expression. I've proven this true often enough that when I see an incongruency between what I'm experiencing and what I think I believe, I dig deeper.

Along with examining my beliefs, I've decided that I want certain things in my life. These things are not in conflict with the constant expression of God. In fact, they are the manifestation of Good. (Caveat: I always leave room for my intention or better as I'm not currently aware of all that is going on in the Universe.) Back to the plot. I've learned that in order to achieve these things, or express more God, I need to clarify my beliefs. That takes a combination of forgiveness, facing fear, examining beliefs, opening to Spirit, and so on.

My focus this year on health requires the actions of eating healthy, wholesome foods, and exercising. These actions are what I like to call inspired actions. Inspired actions are the natural steps taken once you are clear. It's like the natural progression of things. On the spiritual side (this is just a euphemism, I don't think there are distinct aspects of ourselves), manifesting health is expressing God as Life.

One other interesting thing I've learned about expressing an aspect of God: God is indivisible. So I can't single out expressing God as Life. When I seek to express more of God as Life, I automatically express more God as Substance, Joy, Peace, Love, and, in general, Good. Hence the natural desiring of other intentions.

Help!!! Sabotage!

B2B W7: 165/250, ****-, 8 stairs

What the heck is wrong with me?!!!

Last night I decided to have Chick-Fil-A. Thinking that I would be way over points, I decided to not finish eating my veggies, AND have some sugar free cookies when I got home. Well. Jokes on me! Had I just used that nifty gadget I got the other day called a Blackjack, I could have logged into WW mobile, calculated my points, and known that I was fine and I didn't need to throw in the blasted towel.

I was still under points, but because I didn't eat my wonderful baby carrots which were in my bag at the movie theatre (no popcorn either, just deprivation), I was off plan. What kind of head trip is that!!!!!!!

Not only did I do that. Then I decided to say to hell with all of it, with, get this, 3 sugar free cookies. Way to be a rebel Nneka!!!

This morning I slept through the gym because as far as I knew there was no salvation. Never fear, by the hook or the crook I'll be going this evening.

Why do I do this?!!! This is sabotage. I didn't know what it was before, but I see it in living color now. SABOTAGE!

I think it was spending all that time yesterday coming up with goals. My mind must think they're poison. How did it get this way? AND, more important, what do I have to do to convince it that it's okay to have goals AND achieve them. I think I'm afraid that people will expect something from me. I don't know WHAT the deal is. Now that I've found it lurking in the corners, rest assured, I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I intend to achieve my goals.

I think it's the threat of falling from a pedestal. Or maybe it's the expectations that people will have of me. "She was able to do xyz, so let's give her xyz2." Everyone else thinks I can do it, but they don't really know. A friend of mine calls it the fraud complex. You're afraid of being found out so you fly under the radar. Just good enough to get the job done and the occasional kudos, but not exemplary so you have to be an example to someone else.

Damn! I really think I'm onto something here. After the 5.4lb loss, I can marginally eat and get by and either maintain or gain. Then I can say, "Oh well, I'm just a mere mortal." Man, how does this stuff seep into my psyche.

I'm afraid to want, afraid to go for it. I'm afraid of falling from grace. I'm afraid of not being normal. I still want to fit in even though I claim to be someone who doesn't care what people think. It's not fitting in in the clothes or talk sense. It's fitting in in the achievement sense. I can't be too good, who will my peers be? Where will I belong? I can hear the goody two shoes taunts in my head. Under-achievement is a survival mechanism for a girl who's taunted on the school grounds or the teen who had her bag stolen on the first day in a foreign school, but it's a hindrance to the woman with big dreams and ideas who has great things to offer the world. There is no room for me to play small. It's detrimental to everyone.

The mind is an interesting thing. It's like a ball of yarn that a cat has been playing with. It's not simple. At one point, I thought I had to be Miss Perfect. I had to retrain myself to be authentic and vulnerable. I usually do things all or nothing, but even when I go all I don't go all the way. This was a problem before the 2003 burnout and after. Before it was just not wanting to be the over achiever. Since 2003 it's been fear of burning out again and of falling short. All of this stuff is mixed up together. It won't be a straight line to unravel it, but I am committed to doing the work because I want an exemplary life. Sometimes that does mean being an example. I know I'm one now, even if I don't have the label.

What's Keeping You Going?

B2B W6: 200/250, *-**, 7 stairs

Soared over 1,500 and eek, eek, eek to the halfway point. That running girl at the top of the page is so cool.

I started to comment to this remark on SJ's post about self sabotage and it turned into a ramble. So I thought I'd just post it here.

And so this pattern has repeated every time I’ve tried to diet or lose weight over the years, time and time again. Sure the food of choice changes but the pattern remains the same.

• Go on diet/change eating/eat right/exercise
  
• Lose weight/start to feel better
  
• Think: I know how to do this
  
• Self Sabotage and tell myself its okay because “I know how to lose weight”
  

I do the same thing. I did OA, had success, stopped doing what needed to be done, got angry with the program, regained the weight. Did WW, had success, thought I had it licked, relaxed, plateau-ed, regained, embarrassed to show my face again.

This time what's going to be different. To be honest, I don't know. I know what NEEDS to be different, but I don't know what WILL be different.

I'm at week 6 into it and I've set myself up the challenge, I know that helps. I've plugged into a community, I know that helps. I'm blogging and keeping it real, I know that helps. All I can do is just keep doing what needs to be done.

I'm taking it in small chunks. I'm taking it week by week as I weigh in. I'm taking it minute by minute as I watch the little ticker on my blog add up the exercise minutes. I'm taking it meal by meal as I track everything that goes into my mouth.

My boyfriend asked me why I go to WW every week. He says weighing every week is too much because you fluctuate too much and you could get discouraged. If it were over a month you'd lose and it'll show consistently.

My response.

I need to check in every week because it gives me a heads up on how I'm doing. It's a reminder that I'm working on this. It keeps me on course. A week is just enough time to make a difference and short enough in my mind that I can MAKE it to the next one. Having a weekly exercise goal helps me to look forward to achieving something even if it doesn't show up on the scale. I think about my next gym visit and the minutes I'll get from the moment I leave the gym. I actually look forward to it. It sets the tone for my day. I can do 24 hours between workouts, 7 days between weigh-ins. I love seeing every minute rack up.

Something in me keeps going, this is not a way to live. My response to it is that this is the way I need to live now. I don't know what's going to happen after the 135 lbs are gone. I know that between now and then I must devise a way to eat that is sustainable. I have 135 lbs, scratch that 129.8 lbs, to retrain my mind.

Maybe that's the thing that scares me. Maybe, it's that I'm running out of time to get it right. Maybe I don't want the thrill of the challenge to be gone. Maybe, it begs the question, "What next?"

And maybe the difference is that this time I'm committed to getting to the bottom of it.