Help!!! Sabotage!

B2B W7: 165/250, ****-, 8 stairs

What the heck is wrong with me?!!!

Last night I decided to have Chick-Fil-A. Thinking that I would be way over points, I decided to not finish eating my veggies, AND have some sugar free cookies when I got home. Well. Jokes on me! Had I just used that nifty gadget I got the other day called a Blackjack, I could have logged into WW mobile, calculated my points, and known that I was fine and I didn't need to throw in the blasted towel.

I was still under points, but because I didn't eat my wonderful baby carrots which were in my bag at the movie theatre (no popcorn either, just deprivation), I was off plan. What kind of head trip is that!!!!!!!

Not only did I do that. Then I decided to say to hell with all of it, with, get this, 3 sugar free cookies. Way to be a rebel Nneka!!!

This morning I slept through the gym because as far as I knew there was no salvation. Never fear, by the hook or the crook I'll be going this evening.

Why do I do this?!!! This is sabotage. I didn't know what it was before, but I see it in living color now. SABOTAGE!

I think it was spending all that time yesterday coming up with goals. My mind must think they're poison. How did it get this way? AND, more important, what do I have to do to convince it that it's okay to have goals AND achieve them. I think I'm afraid that people will expect something from me. I don't know WHAT the deal is. Now that I've found it lurking in the corners, rest assured, I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I intend to achieve my goals.

I think it's the threat of falling from a pedestal. Or maybe it's the expectations that people will have of me. "She was able to do xyz, so let's give her xyz2." Everyone else thinks I can do it, but they don't really know. A friend of mine calls it the fraud complex. You're afraid of being found out so you fly under the radar. Just good enough to get the job done and the occasional kudos, but not exemplary so you have to be an example to someone else.

Damn! I really think I'm onto something here. After the 5.4lb loss, I can marginally eat and get by and either maintain or gain. Then I can say, "Oh well, I'm just a mere mortal." Man, how does this stuff seep into my psyche.

I'm afraid to want, afraid to go for it. I'm afraid of falling from grace. I'm afraid of not being normal. I still want to fit in even though I claim to be someone who doesn't care what people think. It's not fitting in in the clothes or talk sense. It's fitting in in the achievement sense. I can't be too good, who will my peers be? Where will I belong? I can hear the goody two shoes taunts in my head. Under-achievement is a survival mechanism for a girl who's taunted on the school grounds or the teen who had her bag stolen on the first day in a foreign school, but it's a hindrance to the woman with big dreams and ideas who has great things to offer the world. There is no room for me to play small. It's detrimental to everyone.

The mind is an interesting thing. It's like a ball of yarn that a cat has been playing with. It's not simple. At one point, I thought I had to be Miss Perfect. I had to retrain myself to be authentic and vulnerable. I usually do things all or nothing, but even when I go all I don't go all the way. This was a problem before the 2003 burnout and after. Before it was just not wanting to be the over achiever. Since 2003 it's been fear of burning out again and of falling short. All of this stuff is mixed up together. It won't be a straight line to unravel it, but I am committed to doing the work because I want an exemplary life. Sometimes that does mean being an example. I know I'm one now, even if I don't have the label.