Mindful Living

B2B W4: 280/250, ******, 18 stairs/-2 left

Oops! I guess I have to add 2 flights of stairs today and I can't have anymore white stuff. I'm determined to have a 7 star week.

I tell you what. Losing weight takes a lot of concentration, vigilance, and dedication. Last night I went to Starbuck's for a pick me up, mellow, comforting latte. I just wanted to chill. I got the tall (small) sugar free vanilla latte with 2% milk. I usually get the grande cinammon dolce latte with a slice of the pumpkin loaf. YUM!!! I recalled the no whites deal and got a packet of cashews instead. Good choice you say.

Cashews are a weakness of mine, like coffee ice cream. Such foods are no longer allowed in my house, but I can have them when I'm out because I eat it and it's gone. The cashew packet read 150 calories per one ounce serving which I quickly calculated as 3 points. For those who don't know, 1 point is approximately 50 calories. EXCEPT I didn't calculate the fat part of the points.

Prepared to take the 9 point hit, I enjoyed every scrumpcious cashew while sipping on my latte and chatting with DBF on the plush purple chaise. It was indulging. Imagine my sense of outrage when I plugged in the cashews to find that it was 12.5 points for that 3 ounce bag! AHHHHH!!!!

You know why I'm so outraged. I guess it's the sticker shock.

At any rate, I still had a glut of Flex points and all of my activity points, so it was fine.

You've got to pay attention if you want to lose weight. This isn't really a bad thing. So much of ourselves is on autopilot. We eat mindlessly. We watch television mindlessly. We sit in church mindlessly. Even when we are exerting ourselves with exercise, we want it to be numbing and mindless. We want the time to just pass by.

Losing weight is teaching me to be more mindful and present. Interesting side effect, isn't it?

1000 Minutes!!!

B2B W4: 235/250, *****, 15 stairs/0 left

One thousand tirty five to be exact. Seventeen and one quarter hours. Fifty one and three quarter miles.

I did it!!!

I crossed the 1000 minute mark today sweating it out on the elliptical machine. I did intervals today for the ENTIRE workout. 4/1 and 10/4 intervals. It is a triumph for my mind, moreso than my body. It means I CAN do it.

Goodness Me

B2B W4: 190/250, ****, 12 stairs/2 left

Scale Junkie challenged us to right 10 positive things about ourselves, so here goes:

1. I'm a great teacher and facilitator of adult classes and groups.
   
2. I'm good at my job as a technical translator.
   
3. I'm a good spiritual coach and I'm getting better.
   
4. I am joyful.
   
5. I can see the big picture and place people and tasks where they fit.
   
6. I achieve my goals.
   
7. I spread peace and joy wherever I go.
   
8. I am a loving and generous daughter, aunt, sister, girlfriend, and friend.
   
9. I giggle a LOT.
   
10. My body is beautiful, curvaceous, and sensual
    

I felt so self conscious bragging about myself up there. Why are we so hesitant to acknowledge our Goodness?

Important Support-ants

B2B W4: 145/250, ***, 8 stairs/3 left

When I got separated, I decided that I didn't want to eat my way through the divorce process. I decided to only eat when hungry and until full. It forced me to deal with the emotions. I remember right when I was about to move out feeling really lonely on Mother's Day. I don't have children and my mom and I have a cordial relationship that is growing into a friendship. A tape started playing in my head about how lonely I would be, and that I don't really have any friends, and that all my friends had lives. So, to shut it up, I went through my cell phone and called every mother I knew just to say, "Happy Mother's Day".

I was surprised at the range and quantity of friends that I do have. I realized I was not alone. I was just cutting myself off from life. That's when I got in the habit of calling friends, having coffee chats, and setting up frequent lunches.

I was separated for 17 months before getting divorced (NC rules, bleh). During that time, I called on every resource available to me to keep me supported and enfolded in love. I volunteered. I called friends. I asked for a dedicated chaplain from my spiritual community. I went out with friends. I spent a lot of time in reflection and listening to India Arie. I even sent my ex's phone number to 3 girlfriends so I couldn't call him.

I became vulnerable, but authentic. I had to let myself out and I emerged whole.

Part of losing the weight is losing all the protection that I have. I erroneously think that I can protect myself if I appear to have it together, but it's the other way around. I must be vulnerable to be authentic. I must share myself openly and honestly if I want to be genuinely supported.

Yesterday I let a little me out and I received a wallop of cheers from LTer4ever, Brandi, Kud, Scale Junkie, Felicia, and Sherre. Thank you for all the support :-)

Fear

B2B W4: 100/250, **, 5 stairs
B2B W3 WI: -1.4lbs
Total Weight Loss: -6.2lbs

From 2003 to present, I have undergone a series of life changes that rocked my self confidence to the core. Prior to 2003, I was an over-achiever. I would set big audacious goals and hit them right out of the park. My life was on track. (If there is a track.) Between September 11th and 2003, I had some crisis of conscience. I don't know what to really call it. After that, I started to question everything in my life and little by little (or humongous by humongous), I reconstructed my life. I quit my job. I got a divorce. I moved. I made a career move that pretty much insured that my "career" in that field is over.

In the process, I grew less and less sure of my decisions, and more and more afraid that I was screwing up my life big time. After a while, I dared not set any big audacious goals. It was as if I was rebuilding me. That's why my declaration of a weight goal is so important to me. It's why getting those stars and racking up the minutes is important. I am slowly regaining my confidence in myself.

I entered into a relationship late last year and this guy has not glimpsed the sure, confident person I was prior to 2003. He only knows the timid post-2003 girl.

I want my sure, bold, courageous self BACK!!! I am reclaiming me!

Photo by Daniel.

Booyah!!!

B2B W3: 250/250, ******, -1/14 stairs

Look at those stars! I love this stairs for starch program. I only ate 3 whites this week. That is soooooo cool! One more stair when I go to lunch.

I got my workout on yesterday evening AND this morning. Yesterday was just a get it done day. At the end of the day the gym was packed. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical and 35 on the treadmill. I had to wait around a while. This morning: 45 minutes on the treadmill, arms swinging, on the hills, 2.8 mph. Yeah baby!

The best thing about accomplishing a goal is learning to trust yourself. Every time I hit my weekly exercise minute target it sends a message to my psyche that I CAN be trusted. The stars let me know that I DO have what it takes. The stairs show me that I AM loveable. It looks like it's just numbers and my physical health, but it's restoring my mental and spiritual health as well.

Exercise in Jeopardy

B2B W3: 150/250, *****, -3/7 stairs

The gym had a delayed open again today. Dang it, dang it, dan!!!

I got there to see the halls darkened. I considered walking around the neighborhood, but it was too damn cold. I also considered the Walk Away the Pounds again, but it was too late and the muscles that I discovered yesterday are still talking to me. I'm going to have to go this evening. It's closing at 8PM. I HATE going to the gym after work. I'm so pissed and irritable by that point.

Oh well, enough griping.

On the upside, I see that I need some variety and alternatives for exercise. So, I'm asking you, what are your favorite workout CD's? Does anyone know of an effective hip hop, salsa, or bellydancing CD?

Photo by Kate:-)

What's A Gal To Do?

B2B W3: 150/250, ****, 1/6 stairs

Wow! This stairs for starch program is working out really well. Last night I wanted 3 cookies, but I didn't have any stairs, so I just had almonds instead. I used the stairs on Monday evening for ice cream.

Yesterday, we had a snow day. The gym was closed. The great news was that I got a chance to watch the inauguration. I was so excited. I volunteered with the campaign and it was my life for 6 months. I didn't think I had any more excitement in me, but it was great to see the President say the difficult things and still work to knit the country and the world together. Amazing really!

This morning I trudged through some ice to get to the gym only to discover it was closed. I ended up dusting off my Walk Away the Pounds DVD. You know, it's interesting that I can do 45 minutes on the elliptical, but 15 minutes into the 3 mile DVD I was panting and complaining about my butt and groin muscles. It was a good reminder to mix it up and get different muscles engaged.

Stay Satisfied

B2B W3: 100/250, **, 5 stairs
B2B W2 WI: -2.2lbs
Total Weight Loss: -4.8lbs

Stay satisfied. That's what I learned last week with the discovery of the poor planning panic, and journaling about removing the white stuff from my diet.

Stay satisfied. That was the mantra at the meeting this week. AND, as the Universe knows me so well, it was also the week 3 material that I received (Staying Ahead of Hunger).

So, I'll take heed.

I'm going to allow myself to swap 5 stairs (up and down) for 1 white starch. I like to think of it as the stairs for starch program:-)

That will allow me to train myself to eat wholesome, nutritious food. It will train me to treat treats as, well, treats. Let's see if I can make an on plan week with this allowance.

No White Substances

B2B W2: 280/250, --**--

No, not that white substance, no, wait, I didn't mean it that way. Oh forget it! What I mean is no white flour, sugar, rice, or potatoes. No sugar at all.

I see the reasoning behind this, and indeed, I've witnessed it. The brown starches are more filling. They're not filling in a bloaty way. They are filling in a stick to the ribs way. Because of that, you don't need as much.

No white stuff is one of my criteria for an on plan day, but I'm having the hardest time with it. Every off plan day has been because of a small quantity of white stuff. I believe my mind is rebelling because it has a restriction. I've contemplated giving myself some flexibility with this requirement, but where does that end. I'm thinking about being able to trade 10 stairs for one white indulgence.

If it's just a matter of calories in must be fewer than calories out, I'm on track. However, for long term success, I want to change the types of food I eat. I want to, as a rule, eat wholesome, nourishing foods. I don't want 3 sugar free cookies to turn into pelau on Monday, roti on Tuesday, hamburger on Wednesday, pasta on Thursday, and sweet and sour chicken on Friday, just because I have the points for it. This behaviour is not sustainable.

So, the question is, how do I get my mind and my body in the habit of choosing wholesome, nourishing food 95% of the time?

That's Right I SAID It

B2B W2: 235/250, --**-

My goal weight is 135 lbs. There, I said it.

I hedged declaring a goal weight because I'm afraid I'm not going to make it. I tried so many times before. I made grand declarations. I tracked, and intuited. I counted calories, points, and food exchanges. I cut flour and sugar, and I also ate in moderation. I did cardio and I did strength training. I exercised in a gym, and did regular walks to work. I did group challenges and I prodded along alone. I tried all the combinations. Each time I lost some of the weight, 20, 30, even 40lbs, but I didn't go the distance. Each time I declared 135 lbs to be my goal.

What's going to be different this time?

I'm hoping that this time is different because I'm changing the way I eat.

I'm hoping that this time is different because exercise is going to be incorporated into my routine.

I'm hoping this time is different because I'm finally willing to make the "lifestyle" change.

It is going to require that I eat differently. It's going to require that I become active. Notice I didn't say "more" active. I need to become active. Exercise is now a requirement of my life. It always was. I just didn't see it that way. It is going to require that I change my thinking from exercise is something that's extra, to exercise is like taking a shower every day. It's just what I do. I'm going to have to change my mind about the foods I consider filling and comfortable. I'm even going to have to change what I consider hunger. I'm going to have to change it from the ravenous feeling to the oh-oh-we're-starting-to-run-low-on-fuel feeling. It is going to require that I change my paradigm about my body. I am going to have to start treating my body at least as well as I would treat a brand new car. I need to give it the fuel it needs.

The difference this time is that I know what it takes AND I'm willing to do it...at least, for today :-)

Endorphins Are The Best Drugs

B2B W2: 190/250, --**

A few months ago I forgot my keys at work. At the time, I was walking to and from work so I didn't need it to get into my car. I realized that I forgot them at the halfway point to my house. I could have walked back, but it was 15 minutes of hills. Then I would have to still walk 30 minutes to my house. I called a friend to pick me up so I could get them. That started the end of me walking to work.

Last night, I forgot my keys at work. I realized this morning when I needed them to get to the gym. I looked around a little. Realized I was starting to panic. Then I just said to myself, just walk around the neighborhood.

Ever since I realized that I ate the fried onion rings out of panic, I'm witnessing how I panic over a lot of things. Going to the grocery and seeing the bill at the end. Wanting to take more vacations, but not appearing to have the time.

When I went to Trinidad, on day 4 I felt this release around my chest that was a constant low grade anxiety I was harboring. Since then I've been trying to figure out what the heck is riding me so persistently?

I think it's these little panics.

After my walk this morning, I felt so energized and undauntable (if that's a word). The key thing just wasn't an issue. I wasn't panicked about it. I feel fueled and recharged, and, ironically, calm.

Exercise is the best drug in the world. Admittedly, I don't have much experience with drugs. Never smoked cigarettes or pot. No hard drugs. Not even daily coffee. Exercise clears my head and makes me high. It's like an upper and a downer all in one.

Just Another Manic...Oh Well, Maybe Not

B2B W2: 140/250, --*

Look at that! I only have 110 minutes to do for the week. I love looking at that woman race to the finish line. She motivates me to go for more exercise.

Yesterday's food was incredible. I ate a lot, but it was all wholesome, nutritious food. I didn't have any spazz attacks from poor planning. I was within my points. It was clean and lean and I loved every morsel. Best of all, I didn't have any sugar, white rice, white flour, or potatoes and I felt satisfied.

Poor Planning Panic

B2B W2: 95/250, --

Last week on the day that I couldn't resolve my hunger I didn't plan dinner. On Saturday, I went to the WW meeting, then my plan was to go to the gym. I ended up going to take a class at church on a whim. On the way there I panicked about what to eat and picked up an Egg McMuffin. I had a good lunch at the class, but because I didn't have any snacks I was famished by dinner. I ended up going to a Jamaican restaurant and having a roti and beef patty (both with flour). On Sunday, I didn't have breakfast and ended up famished by 2pm when I finally ate. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to order the spinach, mushroom, tomato omelette made with egg substitute that came with fruit. I was full off the omelette and ate the fruit later.

When I don't plan I panic. Sometimes I'm not even really hungry when the panic sets in, but I don't know what's going to happen so I get overwhelmed and start spazzing. This behavior isn't unique to food, it's a paradigm of mine. Panic precipitates one of 2 responses. I either stop like a deer in headlights stricken with overwhelm, or I act irrationally. In the case of food, acting irrationally means I'll eat what I think is satisfying to me. In my lexicon of food, that means flour, rice, potatoes. It does not yet mean fruit, eggs, broccoli.

When I don't plan I panic. When I panic hunger is intensified. When hunger is intensified I want flour, rice, potatoes. The way I see it, I can stem this off a few ways.

First line of defense: plan what I'm going to eat.

Second line of defense: stay calm, I won't die of hunger or from lack of food. There are plenty of fat stores in my body and there's an abundance of food all around.

Third line of defense: change my food lexicon. Fruit, vegatables, and protein do fill me up. I'm learning that as I eat more and more of it. Sure 2 cups of rice will ensure that I'm not hungry for the next 4 hours, but 2 cups of fruit is much more nutritious and guarantees I won't be hungry for at least 2 hours and I could go to 3. It's also very rare that I'll have 2 cups of fruit by itself.

In summary, to stay on plan, it would help if I planned my food, remembered that there's an abundance, and adopt a new food lexicon.

Image from stock.xchng.

Brute Force

B2B W2: 50/250, _

"Weight loss requires brute force." Those were the words affirmed by one of my co-workers. We were discussing my "diet" and exercise plan. She recently went on a fruit and vegatable "diet" to lose weight by, in her words, brute force. Except, during the holidays, in one week, she regained 6 pounds.

I prefer the axiom taught in this week's Weight Watcher's meeting: Keep It Simple and Sustainable. I really like the sustainable part. Sure the weight loss requires overwhelming force and diligence. However, if it's not sustainable, attaining my goal of losing half of me is overwhelming and tiresome. This is the overwhelming force part: tracking every point, cutting out particular foods, ensuring that I meet an exercise goal. The sustainable part: training myself to choose wholesome, nourishing foods, and being active as a part of my life.

I finished the week at 270 minutes. A real triumph for me! I ate flour on Wednesday and rice in sushi on Friday night. I took the stairs every opportunity I had except for 2 times. I was about to change the challenge and make it more complicated, but I'm not changing the challenge. It was becoming a slippery slope. It's a challenge, not a mind game. I am going to give myself one point for everytime I take a flight of stairs (up and down). I don't want the stairs to be an all or nothing.

Oh, and I lost 2.6 lbs this week.

Image by peter_w on stock.xchg.

Honesty

B2B W1: 270/250, ****_*

Do you ever lie when you log your food? Maybe you log a teaspoon of butter when you know it was closer to a tablespoon? Or you out and out refuse to log a food because you know it was too many points? Or you log a naked salmon fillet instead of the restaurant version? Pretty soon you're skipping items, then skipping meals, then not logging at all. Then you wonder, why is the weight creeping on?

Last night, I went to Outback and I had the Caesar salad, which was just lettuce and some dressing. When I looked up the points this morning I saw that it was 6 points. I was outraged. I don't even like lettuce. I could have gotten the mushrooms for less points and it would have been more satisfying. I was tempted to half the points because I didn't think it was worth it.

Preposterous, right?

Yup, and when I caught myself I realized this is how it starts.

Eating a Cow

B2B W1: 225/250, ****_

Yesterday I was ravenous. For the whole day. I started off with Cheerios and soy milk. I had a cheese stick, then an apple, about an hour apart. By then it was 11. I was still hungry. I didn't get to lunch until 12:30 and I felt I could eat a cow. Luckily, a ham sandwich on wheat roll and baby carrots held my hunger at bay. I had another cheese stick mid afternoon. Then the hunger came back with a vengence.

I ended up eating buffalo wings, onion rings and popcorn shrimp for dinner. I just really wanted "real" food. I didn't want anything healthy as I had been eating that all day and I was hungry all day. Finally, I felt full.

Why is that?

It's 10 am as I write this and I'm feeling normal eating an apple for a mid morning snack. None of that eat everything in sight feeling I had yesterday. I wasn't bored or angry, hurt or tired. I wasn't sad. I felt good. It was real hunger and I couldn't seem to satiate it.

Oh, just to be clear. I ate my points (ate some flex), drank the water, ate the fruits and veggies, took the multivitamin. I also ate white flour which made it an off plan day. It's the stuff that encased the onions and the shrimp. I thought about letting it slide, but I wouldn't be completely honest then.

Out the Gate

B2B W1: 180/250, ****

The little runner on my ticker is out the gate. I'm establishing a rhythm. I managed to go to the gym yesterday after work and had a fine workout. I went back this morning. This is unheard of for me, but it's the first week and my commitment is fresh. I'm telling everyone about it. At the Y there's a resolution wall where you can write down your goal for the year. You can also get a workout buddy that will check in with you if you want one. I'm building some support now because things get really hairy in March and again in June and again in October. Those are also turning points on the challenges.

The Anti-Good Start

B2B W1: 90/250, ***

My clock was unplugged around 3 or 4 this morning. As a result, my alarm didn't go off. I missed my workout. I got to work late. I managed to pack snacks and grabbed a trail mix bar for breakfast. When I got in my laptop did a wierd thing. I have to teach a class this afternoon so I'll spend most of the morning reviewing the material. Hopefully, I could sneak out a little to get my workout in this afternoon. My gym has a 30 minute cap at rush hour.

Other than that, still on plan and going great. I've been under my points by 1-3. I'm not concerned about it as I'm not hungry. I just can't get any more food in and I'm not eating any junk. I could easily get those points in if I was willing to grab a sugar stick.

Good Start

B2B W1: 90/250, **

In Man on Fire with Denzel Washington, Denzel's character Creasy trains Dakota Fanning for hours on how to jump off the starting block as soon as the gun goes off for her swim meet.

Good starts make 80% of good finishes. This morning I started the day at the gym on the elliptical for 45 minutes. I drank 16 oz of water on the elliptical. That's 2/3rd of my daily target. I ate breakfast and took my vitamins, all before taking a shower and heading to work. I then packed up some snacks. Doing important things first gives you a lot of leverage in life, not to mention I feel I've already accomplished what I set out to do for the day.

The first line in the post is an update on where I am with exercise minutes for the week. The stars are for on plan days. If I'm not on plan I'll use an underscore.

Back to the Cattle Line

I went back to Weight Watchers yesterday. Now I know why I didn't want to keep going. It's the cattle line. Ironically, this is also the most useful part of the WW experience to me. It's having to step up to that scale every week. For that privilege, I'm paying a little less than $40 a month. I get other benefits like the nifty e-Tools. I love their site. I'm a site whore though, so it's not saying much.

I got back from my 10-day holiday vacation in Miami and Trinidad. I had every delicacy that I missed over the nine years. I hate being so cliche about kicking off a health program at the beginning of the new year, but I wasn't going to kid myself.

Since I started on Saturday I'll have to move the challenge dates. The name of the first 13-week challenge is Back 2 Basics, or B2B. To recap, the challenge is to complete 3300 minutes of exercise, stay on plan every day, and take the stairs if it's 1 flight. So far so good. I've done 45 minutes and I was on plan yesterday.

The Plan

4 13-Week Challenges

15,000 Total Exercise Minutes
Weekly Reward: Hair or pedicure

1st 13-Week Challenge (01/05/09 - 04/05/09)

• 3300 Exercise Minutes (cardio)
  
• On plan every day
  
• If it's one flight, take the stairs

2nd 13-Week Challenge (04/06/09 - 07/05/09)

• 3900 Exercise Minutes (cardio and strength)
  
• On plan every day
  
• If it's one flight, take the stairs
  
• Body for Life strength training routine 3 times a week
  

3rd 13-Week Challenge (07/06/09 - 10/04/09)

• 3900 Exercise Minutes (cardio and strength)
  
• On plan every day
  
• If it's one flight, take the stairs
  
• Body for Life strength training routine 3 times a week
• Complete phases 2, 3, and 4 of the 28 week 5K running plan
  

4th 13-Week Challenge (10/05/09 - 01/03/09)

• 3900 Exercise Minutes (cardio, strength, and flexibility)
  
• On plan every day
  
• If it's one flight, take the stairs
  
• Strength Training 2 times a week
• Complete phases 5, 6, and 7 of the 28 week 5K running plan
• Do a yoga or pilates class once a week
  

On plan means I:

• Eat within points
• Eat at least 5 servings of fruit and/or vegatables
  
• Drink 48 oz of water
  
• Take multivitamin
  
• Consume no sugar, no white rice, no potato (except sweet), and no white flour
  

As a result of the 2009 year of the body, I would like to:

• Lose at least 50lbs
  
• Wear 38DD or smaller bra
  
• Be able to shop at regular stores
  
• Run a 5K
  
• Hold the camel pose for 30 seconds