What's Keeping You Going?

B2B W6: 200/250, *-**, 7 stairs

Soared over 1,500 and eek, eek, eek to the halfway point. That running girl at the top of the page is so cool.

I started to comment to this remark on SJ's post about self sabotage and it turned into a ramble. So I thought I'd just post it here.

And so this pattern has repeated every time I’ve tried to diet or lose weight over the years, time and time again. Sure the food of choice changes but the pattern remains the same.

• Go on diet/change eating/eat right/exercise
  
• Lose weight/start to feel better
  
• Think: I know how to do this
  
• Self Sabotage and tell myself its okay because “I know how to lose weight”
  

I do the same thing. I did OA, had success, stopped doing what needed to be done, got angry with the program, regained the weight. Did WW, had success, thought I had it licked, relaxed, plateau-ed, regained, embarrassed to show my face again.

This time what's going to be different. To be honest, I don't know. I know what NEEDS to be different, but I don't know what WILL be different.

I'm at week 6 into it and I've set myself up the challenge, I know that helps. I've plugged into a community, I know that helps. I'm blogging and keeping it real, I know that helps. All I can do is just keep doing what needs to be done.

I'm taking it in small chunks. I'm taking it week by week as I weigh in. I'm taking it minute by minute as I watch the little ticker on my blog add up the exercise minutes. I'm taking it meal by meal as I track everything that goes into my mouth.

My boyfriend asked me why I go to WW every week. He says weighing every week is too much because you fluctuate too much and you could get discouraged. If it were over a month you'd lose and it'll show consistently.

My response.

I need to check in every week because it gives me a heads up on how I'm doing. It's a reminder that I'm working on this. It keeps me on course. A week is just enough time to make a difference and short enough in my mind that I can MAKE it to the next one. Having a weekly exercise goal helps me to look forward to achieving something even if it doesn't show up on the scale. I think about my next gym visit and the minutes I'll get from the moment I leave the gym. I actually look forward to it. It sets the tone for my day. I can do 24 hours between workouts, 7 days between weigh-ins. I love seeing every minute rack up.

Something in me keeps going, this is not a way to live. My response to it is that this is the way I need to live now. I don't know what's going to happen after the 135 lbs are gone. I know that between now and then I must devise a way to eat that is sustainable. I have 135 lbs, scratch that 129.8 lbs, to retrain my mind.

Maybe that's the thing that scares me. Maybe, it's that I'm running out of time to get it right. Maybe I don't want the thrill of the challenge to be gone. Maybe, it begs the question, "What next?"

And maybe the difference is that this time I'm committed to getting to the bottom of it.

One Hard Lost Pound

B2B W6: 150/250, *-, 5 stairs
B2B W5 WI: -1.0lbs
Total Weight Loss: -7.0lbs

Finished up last week with 255 exercise minutes. I'm almost at 1500 which would be 10% of the goal for the year AND I'm almost half way through for this challenge. I'm sooooo excited!!!!

Down one pound last week. After the gain from the week before, I fought hard psychologically to stay on track. I wasn't any more tempted by food than I usually am, but there was a rebellious teen undercurrent that swept through the week. The big lesson for the week is that every minute, every step, every meal counts, but it's going to take persistence and patience as well.

This week started off rocky. This weekend I just had a field day. I ate whatever I wanted. I did not choose, or rather I consciously chose not to limit myself to wholesome, healthy food. I had some of the things that I'd written off my list with my ban on white stuff like hot chocolate. The interesting thing is that now that I've had the rice and the sugar, I don't really want anymore. I'm ready to get back to clean eating. My body wants it.

Update: Now I don't feel bad at all about wanting to have my rice and flour. Check out this post over at Fitness Fixation.

For the Record

B2B W5: 255/250, --**-*, 11 stairs/1 left

Just wanted to add my minutes and document the on plan day.

I Like Rice And Flour

B2B W5: 210/250, --**-, 9 stairs/-1 left

I'm citing yesterday as an off plan day because I had rice noodles for dinner. Still within points, veggies, water and multi, just had the white stuff. After this week I am lifting the restriction on the white stuff. I will still take the stairs as much as possible, perhaps some kind of bonus program. I'm still going to choose wholesome, healthy food as much as possible. I just like rice and flour too much to restrict them. Yes, I know some of you may see this as a cop out, but...I'm aware of the consequences and it's more beneficial to me to choose health than to mandate it.

I reserve the right to reinstate it.

Ho Hum

B2B W5: 155/250, --**, 6 stairs/-4 left

Not much to say today. Last night I left work after 6:30pm. By the time I got home I was ravenous and annoyed. Thankfully I seasoned salmon the night before to throw on the George Foreman. I had some left over black eyed peas and rice. That was my meal. I had sugar free cookies for dessert. Stayed within points, but I'll be racking up the stairs for the rest of the week.

I'm So Vain

B2B W5: 100/250, --*, 3 stairs/3 left

Thanks for commensurating and rooting me on. I got an added boost from the Anti-Jared. Yes, I am that vain because it was all about me :-) Teehee!

Groceries have been purchased for the week. Got to the gym bright and early this morning. Completed 55 minutes on the elliptical as I'll have to do for the rest of the week. It was great. I did creative intervals so I had to pay attention to the dots passing by. I love that I tell myself that the pain is temporary as I try to complete one minute at resistance 4 and I up the incline to 9. It's a good game.

Food choices are back to being healthy and wholesome. Drank the water. Took the vitamins.

I wonder why I have those internal tantrums. The only one I'm hurting is myself. It's not just when it has to do with my health. I have these little rebellions for a bunch of stuff. It's so juvenile. I'd really like to get to the bottom of it.

The Psychology of a Gain

B2B W5: 45/250, --, 0 stairs/0 left
B2B W4 WI: +0.2lbs
Total Weight Loss: -6.0lbs

I gained 0.2 lbs this week.

Intellectually I know that this is virtually staying steady and that it can be caused by anything. In actuality, I am PISSED. I was more pissed on Saturday when I found out. Today, it's a minor annoyance. But this anger and annoyance plays itself out.

On Saturday when I heard the gain, the first thoughts that reeled through my mind were, "WTF do I have to do to lose a f!@king pound?" Then the bootcamp thoughts came in, "Well, out with the stairs for starch program. I'm not doing any flour or sugar. PERIOD." The leader tried to rationalize with the usual questions. Did I track? Did I eat ALL my points? Did I exercise? Is it that time of the month? The answers were yes, yes (except AP's (25) and 9 of my flex points), yes, NO. Then she asked the person next to her and she said something silly like don't eat the flex points, just eat all the activity points.

Can I just say that I HATE incompetence!!!

I just walked away saying we'll see what happens next week. Because, at that point, that was all I could do. LOGICALLY.

But since then, my mind has been running the "to hell with it" program. Did I enthusiastically go to the gym after the meeting like I do every Saturday? NO. I did manage to drag myself there for a lack luster (I could read) 45-minute workout on the bike. Did I even take the stairs up to the cardio machines? NOPE. I reasoned that since the whole stairs for starch thing was failing why bother. The food wasn't TOO bad. I stayed within points, but did I go out of my way to eat healthy, wholesome foods? NOPE. And on Sunday I didn't even get all of my water in - ordinarily a no brainer. Adding insult to injury, I didn't do my workout this morning.

All this after having a stellar 7 star week last week. (Big win. I got the last 2 stairs in.)

I was so proud of myself before that weigh in. In my mind, I finished January strong. I hurdled over the 1000 minute mark. I was eating healthy, wholesome food by choice. I was getting every vegatable in, even more than was required on most days. I was trying interesting recipes. I enjoyed trying new vegatables. Brown rice is now my friend. My food is very clean. I was thinking of interesting ways to challenge myself in the exercise realm.

All of that progress tossed for what? A point two pound gain. It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? So what do I do now?

Well, I allowed myself the little pity party. (It'll be shorter next time.) As of this moment, I am back in the game. Back to the Back to Basics Challenge. For the challenge, I'm required to exercise at least 250 minutes a week and stay on plan every day. Being on plan for the day means that I eat within my points, I eat at least 5 servings of fruit/vegatables, I drink 48 ounces of water, I take a multivitamin, and I can eat one serving of white flour, sugar, potatoes, or rice for every 5 flights of stairs I take.

It's that simple. And it's totally within my control. That's the reason I set up the challenge that way. The weight will come off if I'm on plan and I exercise. My body does strange things from week to week.